Is Your Self-Care Actually Self-Sabotage?

Nikkiey: Self-care isn't always being soft. Sometimes it's gritty. Sometimes it's sweat. Sometimes it's tears, right? Sometimes it's the version of you dragging yourself into the gym, or saying no to pizza, or going to bed at 9 p.m., drinking water instead of wine. That's what builds confidence. That's what builds trust within yourself.

Hey, you guys. What's up? Welcome back to The WarriorBabe Show with Nikkiey Stott, co-founder of WarriorBabe. On this podcast, we talk about mindset, methodologies, and tactics that will help you lose body fat, build muscle, be strong, and feel insanely confident. I'm your host, Nikkiey Stott, and welcome to today's episode, episode number 293. Holy cow, we're getting really close to 300.

Today, I want to dive into something that I think a lot of women need to hear, especially those of you in your 30s, in your 40s, or even in your 50s. I'm going to give you guys some tough love today, so I just want to preface this with that. I'm going to lean in a bit.

I want to talk about those who've been taught that taking care of yourself, quote unquote, means bubble baths and wine on the couch while you skip doing the hard work. I'm going to get into the uncomfortable truth, or at least my opinion and how I think about it, behind why a lot of what we label as quote unquote self-care is actually a delay tactic. It's an excuse, or a sneaky way to stay stuck where you are.

Stick with me, because I'm going to get to the psychological processes of that, the mental aspect, the deeper why. I want to get deep on this one. I want to get to the mindset, the behavior patterns, the emotional regulation, and how to actually take care of yourself in a way that builds confidence, not chaos.

I want to start first with: what is even self-care? Most people will tell you that self-care is treating yourself to your favorite dessert, or letting yourself rest after a hard week, or you don't need to go to the gym, you can just Netflix and chill. Is that really care? Or is that more of an escape? Self-care is being marketed to women in a way that plays into our emotions, into convenience, and honestly, into our insecurities. I told you I'm going to get really deep on this one.

We've been told if you're stressed, go pour a glass of wine. If you're tired, skip that workout, you don't need to go to the gym. If you've had a hard week, go chill on the couch, watch eight hours of TV, and call that mental health. But if you're doing that every weekend, every time that you hit resistance, or every time that you feel overwhelmed, that's not self-care.

That's how I want you to think about it. First of all, you may not agree with me. That's okay. But I feel like it's self-sabotage disguised as being soft. True self-care is doing the thing that your future self will thank you for. It's showing up for the goals that you set. It's getting uncomfortable so that you can grow. It's being honest with yourself about when you're using quote unquote grace as a way to avoid growth.

I'm going to dive into what I mean by that, because I think that's really important, and I feel like that's the big differentiator in the points I'm trying to get across. It's back to the awareness, my friends, back to the awareness, which is what I've been bringing home and nailing in in every episode recently. It's bringing that awareness to yourself. Are you giving yourself grace, or are you avoiding something that's going to help you to grow? I'm going to dive into that in a little bit.

But first, I want to talk about the stories that we tell ourselves to justify self-sabotage. And dude, I just want to let you know (I just called you guys dude, my friends) that I've used these types of internal justifications as well. I've had them. I'm not immune. There are seasons in my life where I would overwork myself and call it discipline, but that's also sabotage. And then there are other times where I under-commit and call it balance, but that's also sabotage.

So, some of these mental stories. Maybe you've said this, I've definitely heard women say this: "I just need to rest today." But did I earn this rest, or am I using this as an excuse? Or, "It's been a really long week. I deserve this." Deserve what exactly? To undo the discipline that you showed all week?

I'm speaking to the ones that make it Monday through Friday. They're really good with their nutrition, really good with their workouts, and they say, "I've had a long week. I've done all the things. I deserve this Saturday and Sunday to chill," and they call it balance. But is that balance? Or are you undoing the work you put in, the discipline that you showed all week? I want you to latch on to that word, discipline, because I'm going to circle back to that.

Or, "Oh, this is just how I cope." Are your coping mechanisms actually healing you, or are they just keeping you numb? Again, I've had these internal justifications. I understand them. But I also know how they can be hurtful, and they can be sabotage, because they're not necessarily moving you forward.

Look, it's one thing to say, "I've had a long week and I deserve to just chill." Don't get me wrong on that. But what I said earlier is, it's when you do this every single weekend, every time you hit resistance, maybe you have a glass of wine every other day, or you're doing it every time you feel overwhelmed. That's what I mean. It's one thing to be like, "Yo, I need a rest day because, dude, I'm tired." That's why I'm going to challenge you guys to ask some questions later on. There's a difference.

I want to make sure that point is well known, because some people will be like, "Oh my God, Nikkiey, you're being so hard. You're being shameful," yada, yada, yada. No, no, no. It's when this is done repeatedly, weeks on end, and you're wondering why you're still stuck. These could be the things why you're still stuck.

Like I said, I've been there. This is where you have to get really honest with yourself. You have to look yourself in the mirror and ask, is this helping me or is this hurting me in the long run? I think those are really good questions to ask. If you're somebody that says, "It's been a long week and I deserve this," and you're doing that every single week, ask: is this narrative, excuse, thought process, pattern helping me or hurting me? Because that's what real self-care is. Long-term support, not a short-term escape. That's the way I want you guys to think about it.

"Oh, this is just how I cope." But is this just a coping mechanism? Are you doing it every single week, and are you actually healing from it? Or is it just keeping you in an energy that's making you disassociate from other things that you know you should be doing?

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Here's a shift that I want every woman listening to make. Discipline. Here's that word again. I know the industry is really pounding this one: you need to be disciplined, you need to work harder, blah, blah, blah. I don't want you to feel shame when that word is used. I'm going to touch into my faith here. It's written in scripture that discipline is a form of showing up for yourself.

Discipline is self-care. It's not punishment. It's not restriction. It's not burnout. It's the kind of discipline where you keep the promises to yourself. It's the kind of discipline that gets you out of bed when you want to hit snooze. It's those little actions, but they serve as long-term support. It's saying no to short-term comfort for the long-term vision. That self-respect. That self-worth. That's the type of care that builds confidence.

And you know what doesn't build confidence? Constantly starting over. I'm going to lean back into "I just had a long week, I deserve this," and then Friday, Saturday, Sunday, you fall off course, and it's constantly starting over on the Monday. I just saw a post on Instagram about that 2000s era of starting over on a Monday, and I was like, holy cow, that's crazy. I know some of you can really resonate with that, but that doesn't build your self-confidence.

What else doesn't build your self-confidence is rationalizing your sabotage, or ghosting your workouts and blaming life. "Life is just so busy. Life is happening right now." Life is busy for everyone. Yet there are women out there treating themselves with self-respect and putting themselves first. They're disciplined enough to keep carrying through and showing up for themselves, and they're getting the results that they want.

We don't grow, we don't rise, by avoiding the friction. We rise and we grow by leaning into the things that require us to be uncomfortable. When I think about the women in WarriorBabe who've had the biggest transformations, it's not the ones who did the most cardio, or the ones that ate less and moved more. It's the ones who stayed committed even when it got boring.

I hear it time and time again from the babes in the community: "I'm bored. I'm eating the same thing. I'm doing the same workout for six weeks." Yeah, but the ones that are disciplined enough to follow through stay committed even when they don't feel like it. Not everybody feels like it every single day. But that's love. That's care. That's showing up for yourself.

Okay, I want to dive into this balance thing. This word is getting thrown around like freaking confetti right now. Let me be real with you: most women who say they want quote unquote balance actually want to not feel guilty about their lack of following through.

Balance isn't 50-50. Balance is seasonal. Balance is intentional. Balance is rooted, here's that word again, in awareness. You should tie balance to the word awareness, because they go hand in hand. Balance means that you know when you're recovering and you know when you're avoiding something.

Or you know when you're indulging. You have the awareness that you're going in and having some ice cream. I'll be blunt and honest: last night I had about a quarter of a Häagen-Dazs mint chocolate chip, and I know I was indulging. That's the awareness I have. And then you know when you're justifying. Last night I wasn't saying, "I had such a hard day, I'm just going to cope with some ice cream." That would be me justifying.

I know: hey, yeah, I'm indulging right now. Call it what it is. That's what's happening. Don't skirt around the reality of the situation you're in. Don't try to avoid. Don't try to justify.

And another thing: balance is when you know that you're honoring your body, and you know when you're ghosting the goals that you have. This is all awareness, and it's all seasonal and intentional. You can have the wine. You can have the rest. You can skip a workout. But when it becomes a pattern, over and over and over again, dude, at that point you are not caring for yourself. And this is the biggest point I wanted to get across: you're sabotaging your potential at that point. So you have to be really, really careful in what you think is self-care. Is it self-care, or is it actually you sabotaging your own potential?

I want to encourage you to stop using quote unquote balance as a bypass and start using it as a tool for long-term alignment. It's bringing reality and awareness to the situation. "Man, I just need to relax and rest and pour this glass of wine." But are you avoiding actually going to the gym at that point? Maybe that could help you, right?

So again, I just want to hammer it home. You can have the wine. You can have the rest. You can skip the workout. But when it becomes a pattern over and over again, that's not you having self-care. Okay?

Before I wrap this up, I want you to do something real for yourself. I want you to ask: am I using self-care as a shield to not face what I really need to do? Do I really deserve to go into this weekend, Saturday and Sunday, and give myself a pass? Is this a pattern? Did you do that last weekend? The weekend before? Two weekends ago? It could have happened in the last three weeks. It could have been three times in the last five weeks. If you think about it, the pattern is stronger on the side of using these things to justify the situation you're in.

Or: am I calling it giving myself grace when I'm actually avoiding something? Am I confusing being comfortable with caring for myself? These are things I want you to ask yourself.

Then I want you to take inventory. Check your habits. Could I be journaling how I'm feeling right now, or should I be scrolling? Am I nourishing my body, or am I numbing it? Are you training your mind, or are you running from your emotions? Once you can bring awareness and the reality of the situation to these things, that level of honesty is what will set you free, and you'll be able to catch these patterns.

I told you I was going to get a little uncomfortable with you guys, because some people don't want to hear this. But they need to hear it, because it will bring awareness to how you've been showing up over the last couple of weeks, and whether you're stuck in this type of pattern. Hopefully this podcast will shake you from that and bring you into the reality of the situation. Get honest with yourself. Bring awareness to it. Check in with yourself. Ask yourself some things. And then you'll be able to show up a little bit differently moving forward. Am I right? Yeah.

Some of you probably won't agree with me. That's okay. But let me leave you with this. Self-care isn't always being soft. Sometimes it's gritty. Sometimes it's sweat. Sometimes it's tears. Sometimes it's the version of you dragging yourself into the gym, or saying no to pizza, or going to bed at 9 p.m., drinking water instead of wine. That's what builds confidence. That's what builds trust within yourself.

So stop calling it care when it's really just you being comfortable. I want you to challenge yourself to choose real growth. Choose radical honesty. And most of all, choose you in it. Because at the end of the day, you're the only one in your own way when it comes to these topics I'm talking about. You can easily get yourself on the right track if you bring awareness and honesty to the situation and you take extreme ownership for it.

Okay, I love you guys. Thank you for tuning in to this episode. If it hit home, please share it. Tag me on social media at Nikkiey Stott and at The WarriorBabe Show. Share it with a friend. Maybe somebody else needs to hear this. Let's keep the conversation going. I appreciate you guys, and I will see you in the next episode.

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