What 3 Days Alone in Total Darkness Taught Me

00:00I spent three days and four nights in complete darkness. Like, I instantly started crying. I felt so scared. I felt so alone. And my mind started spiraling. What did I sign up for? There's no way I can do this. And I need to get the f*** out of here. I was in full body panic mode.

00:30Hey, guys. Welcome back to The WarriorBabe Show. And for today's episode, my friends, it is going to be unlike anything that I've ever shared before. I just tried to do the opening multiple times, like the mindset, methodologies, and tactics. And to roll from that into this type of episode, I was like, it just felt off. Like, I just couldn't do it. So, we're just going to dive into this episode today on me sharing the experience that I had of spending three days and four nights in complete darkness about like three, four weeks ago.

01:09And it's going to be vulnerable. It's going to be real. It's going to be raw. I just want to be, you know, open and share this experience that I have with you guys. It's on a very personal level. Maybe at some points, things will resonate with you. But just know, if this is your first time tuning in to The WarriorBabe Show, this is not going to be about fitness and nutrition. And if you don't want to hear this personal journey, then I would recommend going and finding another episode that you want to chime in on. But for many of you guys, man, I shared this on my Instagram. I did a whole Q&A on it.

01:40And so many of you guys leaned in with me on this experience and were so curious. And I just appreciated that so much because this was a very different thing that I've ever shared with you guys before. But you know that I like to keep it real and honest. So, a few weeks ago, I spent three days and four nights in complete darkness. Like, no light, no phone, no distractions, just me, my mind, my body, my fears, and most importantly, God.

02:16And for some of you guys that may be just hearing my relationship with God for the first time, let me just elaborate on that because there's a lot in this episode that I'm going to be touching on in that respect. And I just want to fill you in because some of you guys are just hearing this for the first time. I haven't really been sharing that on social media. But I want you to know that growing up, I went to Catholic school, like from sixth grade all the way through college. And so, faith was, I grew up Catholic, and faith was always around me.

02:52And I've always referred to, like, I've always believed in a higher power. I've always said, like, the universe or just something that is of greater than me. But lately, in the past, like, six, seven months, I've recognized that this is God. And that this is Him doing His work in my past, in my present, and even in my future. And so, you're going to hear me kind of touch on this inside this episode a little bit. But I just want you to know that that's where I stand with that and where my belief in my relationship is going with God.

03:24And today, guys, I just want to, like, take you with me into this overall whole experience. But before I get into it, like, this was just an idea. It was just a thought in my mind. And I'm going to say, like, where and why and all the things. But literally getting there is where it turned into an experience. Because it, like, it wasn't just, like, a retreat of what it's known to be called. It was a death. It was a rebirth. And it was a journey entirely back to myself.

03:56Like, for a little bit of context, I'm going to drop this in the episode two as well. But for a couple of years, I felt really disconnected from me and from my truth and from, like, from who I really am. And I've gone through periods of that. Like, back in my early 20s when I was in that relationship where I was engaged, there felt like a calling inside of me that I was trying to get back to of who I really, truly felt I was. And I felt that again. And that was one of the reasons why I felt I needed to go on to this retreat.

04:27It was entirely a journey back to me, to my truth, and remembering who I am. And so this was, again, a darkness retreat. It was at a place called Sky Cave in Oregon. And what originally drew me to this is I was talking with friends. I believe this is where it initially dropped in my mind at the beginning, early of, like, 2024. And we were talking about all these different retreats and, like, things that we wanted to try. And one of my friends brought up a darkness retreat. And I was like, and then they brought up Aaron Rodgers.

04:58And that Aaron Rodgers did this thing and it looked really cool. So I reached out to Sky Cave because this is the same retreat that Aaron Rodgers did. But let me just preface. I heard and have rumors that Aaron Rodgers was on drugs when he did this retreat at this location. I don't know how true that is, but I just want to preface that there was no drugs involved for me on this experience. Okay. So I first reached out in August of last year, 2024.

05:30And they got back to me. Like, these people are amazing. The owners, the co-found, like, all the people that do their work there are incredible. And I highly recommend this experience if you feel like it's called to you. But the wait list was three years long. So I reached out sharing what I wanted, like, why I wanted to do it. And they even, like, they were like, we want to know why you want to do it. And so I shared that with them. And they were like, okay, cool. Well, we don't have a spot until September of 2027. And I was like, okay, cool.

06:02Maybe someday I'll do this. I put myself on the wait list. And just kind of like, okay, then I'm just going to wait it out. I put it on my calendar. I blocked out the weeks. And then less than a year later, like, earlier this year, 2025, I think it was, like, February, I got an email that a spot had opened up in three weeks. And this was, like, the end of February. And I was like, oh, shoot. Like, I can't do that week. But holy cow, that's so cool that a spot opened up this early. Like, I was waiting, thinking I was going to wait three years.

06:33And he was like, okay, well, if you can't do that week, then I have a couple other weeks. And I was like, okay, cool. Well, let me look at my calendar. I have a lot of travel coming up in March. If you guys follow me on social media, I did a trip every freaking weekend in March. Really cool. I feel very grateful that I can do that. That was a lot. But I was able to, I wanted to do this experience so badly. So there was an opening at the end of March that I could make happen. And I was like, okay, this wasn't just someday anymore.

07:06It was now. And I felt like it was divine timing. I felt like three years from now, like, my life is going to be so different. I'm going to maybe forget, like, the tenderness and maybe the feelings that I'm feeling now of why I want to do this. It's probably going to, you know, elongate a little bit more. And it's not going to be as, not painful, but as, like, close to home, if that makes sense. Or as felt, right? Like, I'm experiencing these things now. I want to be able to go on to this retreat and be able to nurture whatever I need to or get to the depths of now.

07:44I don't want to have to wait three years. So when this happened and all of these, like, you know, he was like, here's a couple more dates. Let's make, like, can you make it work? I'm like, yeah. All right. This is divine timing. This is God saying, like, all right, this is your time, girl. Like, let's go. And the truth is, like, I've been feeling this nudge for something deeper for a while. As I touched on a little bit earlier when I was opening up the podcast, like, life has been shifting in some big ways for me. Some big uncomfortable ways. And I know that this is his work right now for me to just, like, let go of control, surrender, and just try and be in the moment and trust at the path that he's paving for me.

08:23As crooked as it feels right now. And when I say he, I'm referring to God. As crooked as it feels right now, I know that he's got the straight path forward. And I just need to, like, trust and surrender. And that's really hard for me to do sometimes because I like control. And I'm sure that many of you guys resonate with me. Like, you feel the same exact way. And it's hard to just be like, okay, let go and let God. And that's been my motto over the last couple of months. The part of the big things, too, that have been happening. And if I stutter, it's because it's like this is vulnerable stuff that I'm sharing with you guys.

08:54So it's like I want to get to these depths and levels with you because I love you guys. And I want to know that we're human and we all go through the same things. But it's also very uncomfortable for me. So also in some ways that some things have been shifting in the big ways is, like, at the end of, when was it, September or October, I just walked through the ending of a relationship that had been part of my life for over four years. And a relationship that while we had so much love and respect for each other,

09:25it naturally had run its course. It had a natural conclusion. It was, we were closing doors. And it was something that both mutually was the right thing for the both of us. And that ending came with an opening. It came in to an opening of parts of myself that I hadn't fully explored. And I've kind of just, like, been ignoring. And I felt like it was, like, an invitation to lean more inward to myself. To listen more closely. To rediscover who I was when everything, like, familiar kind of fell away.

10:03If that makes sense. Like, my day-to-day warrior babe. The team. Content. This relationship. Like, I had an opportunity to really lean in. To explore the depths of myself. That you, it's really hard to do when you have your normal day-to-day society. Hustle culture. Like, all of those things. And I felt like I needed to get to depths that have never been explored before. Because there was parts of me that were showing up in this relationship that I didn't like or didn't understand.

10:35Not that I didn't like. I just didn't understand. I don't want to place any judgment. Because it's what I learned in this experience. Is, like, have curiosity. Don't have judgment or shame. Ask questions as to why you're feeling this way. As to being like you shouldn't feel this way. Okay. So, it's more so, like, there were some things I was just curious about. Why I was showing up in certain aspects. Or why I was handling things certain ways. And so, I knew that I was in. I'm in a, like, it's like a death season. And not at, like, a surface level.

11:05Oh, things are changing kind of death. It's, like, the kind where you shed layers that you didn't even realize that you were carrying. And when this opportunity came. When he was, like, here's more dates. Here's more dates. It just felt like the exact right place to let parts of me die. It could have been anything. Like, it could have been, like, I'm going to go. And my friends and family were joking around about this. They were, like, why can't you just go to the Caribbean? To the beach. Like, to where you still have self-service. And go and do this exploration for yourself. And I was, like, I don't know, man.

11:36It just felt like there were so many things leading up to this experience. That it was, like, this is what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to go to the dark. You're supposed to go off-grid. You're supposed to be no self-service. Like, you're supposed to be away from society. And away from the things. And no opportunity for distractions. And so that's just that calling. Like, I had to lean into it. And that's, you know, what I've realized that I've done. That always led me to newer openings. Or newer possibilities. Or newer experiences.

12:06Is doing something that isn't comfortable. And that when you get outside of your comfort zone. And the same applies. It can apply to fitness. It can apply to nutrition. It can apply to going to work out. Like, when you get out of your comfort zone. You realize how capable you are of things. And this is where I knew, like, okay. This experience is going to be entirely uncomfortable. At first, again, it was just an idea. The idea was so uncomfortable. When the experience happened, it was really uncomfortable. And I'm going to get into that. And I knew that this is something more. Like, this is an experience where something more can really be born.

12:39Within myself. So, when I arrived at Sky Cave. Or when I even just got to the airport. And some random person was picking me up to go drive an hour to the Sky Cave location. That's where everything, like, you know, your flight or flight responses. Or your control. Or your, like, safety. And, like, the mind just warping reality to make you try and figure out. Like, it's just crazy how my mind is so in control of things. And tries to be in control.

13:11When really, it's like these assumptions or these illusions that aren't even true. I thought, I'm getting in a car with a guy that I don't even know. I'm going to die. Like, literally, that was my mindset. But anyway. So, and that mindset carried on for a couple aspects of the initial beginning of the journey. So, when I arrived there, they gave me the option to, like. And it's just like, you're spending. You spend an hour with the person driving you there. And then they drop you off at your cave. But I'm by myself, guys. There's nobody else. There's other people. There's two other people.

13:41Two other caves. That are doing their experience. But you don't see them. They have this, like, operation where you weave in and out. And you don't run into other people. Meaning weave in and out of your cave. This is a 300 square foot cave, you guys. In the middle of the Oregon mountains. I'm up in 3,000 elevation. I asked them that question. And there's a national park that backs up to this land. So, it's literally, it's like. If you were to look at Oregon's map.

14:15It's south. All the way south. Where it's all green. Like, it's in the middle of nowhere. The drive was an hour from the airport. And then the driveway. Was like a five mile driveway. So, my mind is like. This is going to be really hard to leave. If I wanted to leave. It's going to be. It's not like I can call an Uber. Okay. So, anyway. They gave. I wanted to give that, like, context. So, you guys can just be with me. As I continue to share this journey. So, they give you the option.

14:47To weave in and out of the darkness. For, like, the first 24 hours. To, like, help you get acclimated. To, like, step in. Feel it out. Step back out into light. If you need to. The first time that I stepped into complete darkness. I broke. I broke. Dude. There's like. Okay. Imagine this works. And you guys can go to my Instagram handle. And there's a highlight of this entire journey. You can. I can. You can paint the picture even more. By seeing the pictures. Of what the room looked like. Because it's on that highlight reel. I walked in. You shot off all the lights.

15:19There's. They give you a towel. Because there's still a little beam of light. That comes through the bottom of the door. That you initially close. And actually. Let me back up a little bit. So, this cave is two doors. You walk into the main door. And you walk down a couple of steps. And then you walk into another. And that's where like the fire pit is. Because they. They make fires for you. And then you walk into another room. And that's the 300 square foot room. That you close a door. And then you turn off all the lights. And it's complete darkness. So. And you lock the.

15:49I had. I locked the door. It just made me feel safer. But I couldn't lock the front door. So, anybody could get in. Okay. But anyway. So, the second door. Where I'm at. Is. You can put. You have to put a towel down. Because there's some light. That gets in underneath. Like it's not entirely closed off. I hadn't even put the towel down. Like to cover the light. Like I could still see a little beam of light. And I broke. I instantly started crying.

16:20No joke. Like I. And in this moment. I felt so scared. I felt so alone. And my mind started spiraling. What did I sign up for? There's no way I can do this. And I need to get the out of here. Ladies. Are you feeling frustrated with body changes you're experiencing during menopause?

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17:23Take charge of your health. And join our community of strong, empowered women. Visit WarriorBabe.com forward slash apply today. To start your transformation. That's WarriorBabe.com forward slash apply. All right. Let's get back to the show. I was in full body panic mode. And even when like I came back into the light. My mind was already. Because of going in there and seeing how dark it was.

17:54Like I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face kind of dark. And again beforehand. This was an idea guys. I thought. I brought some books. I'm like this is just going to be like. I'm going to be able to see myself around. People that I've talked to have been like. No Nikki. Like I had a feeling it was complete darkness. Like I didn't really know it until I was there. And this is an aspect about me that I kind of love and hate. I will put myself into situations. But I'll put myself into a room. And then try and figure it out. Does that make sense?

18:24So like won't fully get the what I'm signing up for. Until I'm there. And then I figure it out. And that's kind of good and bad. So yeah. I was in full panic. Full panic mode. And when I came out. I'm like I got to get out of here. Like I'm like I'm mentally packing my bags. I'm mentally calling. Like I literally was about. I had my assistant on speed dial. I was like yo. Can you get my flights out? Like I was thinking about this. Like she can get my flights out tomorrow.

18:55I'll figure out how to get out of here on this five mile driveway. I was in full survival mode. Full survival mode. Dude these are just like the thoughts were controlling my every action. And truthfully you guys. That's a pattern that I've carried for a long long long long time. When things get uncomfortable. Majority of the time. I will figure it out. But at the same time I'm scared. And in these moments. Like when I'm in survival mode.

19:25I will move fast. I will control. And I will armor up. There's part of me that's like. And this happened from a very young age. So because there was a lot of aspects. While I was in the darkness. I was able to meet my younger self. And nurture my younger self. And hold my younger self. And be there. And listen to what she needed. And hear the experience of where she felt scared. But this happened at a very young age. And so my nervous system has been programmed for that type of survival mode. From a very young age. I had to grow up very fast. My parents were divorced.

19:57I had a mom that. I didn't know what kind of character. I was going to get from her on a daily basis. She wasn't really like a nurturing. Let me hold you. Let me be there for your big emotions kind of mom. It was a very distant relationship. And it was very woven in and out. From my whole childhood. And up until my even later teenage years. And even now. And I'm so grateful for. My stepmom came in my life when I was seven years old. And I'm so grateful for her coming into my life at that point.

20:29Because. And this is what I experienced like coming out of this. Is if I didn't have that a nurturing aspect like her in my life at seven. I don't think that I would have been able to do this experience fully. Because it was. Because of the nurturing that she gave me. That I didn't get from my real mom. Growing up. That she gave me growing up. I was able to soften into this experience. I don't think I would have been able to do that. If it wasn't for her. Motherly instincts at that age.

21:01And I'm so grateful for that. But. There's still. Like the aspects of me. Like the nervous system being out of control. Survival mode. You need to like armor up. You need to be. You need to move fast. And think about what you're going to do here. Because. That's what I had to do at a young age. Hey. While you're listening. If you're getting value from this episode. Take a moment to tap that review button. Or share this podcast with a friend. It's a small gesture. That goes a long way. In helping more women. Find their way to feeling stronger. And more confident in their skin.

21:31I appreciate you so much. For taking the time to support this show. So beforehand. Like. I'm still freaking out. Before you go fully into the darkness. This is where like. You get to meet a somatic healer. For two hours. So I got to talk to her. For two hours. And she met me exactly where I was. She was. I am so grateful for her. Because she was like. Yo. I'm just going to shoot it to you straight. You're on the dramatic end of the spectrum.

22:03And I want you to know. That. If. There's no failure here. You don't. We don't look at success. Here at Sky Cave. As you going in for the full three days. And four nights. You can make this retreat. How you need to. And how you want to. That's. That feels safe for you. If you need to weave in. In and out. The entire experience. Do so. But she met me where I was at. She. She met me where I was panicked. She met me where I was scared. She met me where I was wide open. I was cracked open. She reminded me. Like. I don't have to fight the fear. I don't have to muscle through this.

22:35Because that's exactly. What. I. To backtrack. Before I met her. I went back into the darkness. And I was like. I fucking got this. I can do this. No problem. And again. It's more of a. Enduring aspect. I'm just going to muscle through this experience. As I've done majority of my life. But she was like. You don't have to muscle through this. If you do. It's going to be a hell of a lot harder. You're going to meet a lot of resistance. And you're not going to get the full experience. And I was like. Okay. And I'm a.

23:05I know. That I'm a really good. Student. You tell me something. That resonates with me. That. Hits. To my core. I'm going to. Take that. And I'm going to. Apply. That type of. Learning. Into my. Into my. Life. Into my reality. Into the experience. So the things that she was saying. Resonate with me. And so. I knew that I could soften to this. I. I could let the fear be there. And I could stay.

23:36And after that session with her. Dude. I still felt afraid. Like. I still was thinking about. I could leave. But. I didn't want to run anymore. I didn't want to feel scared anymore. I wanted to feel scared. But I wanted to be there with it. And understand it. Like. I. I didn't want to try. I didn't want to figure out. My exit. Like. I. I was learning how to just. I want to learn how to be with the. Scared. Like. Why am I scared? Instead of placing judgment. I'm like. Nikki. You shouldn't be scared. You. You can do this. You can muscle. You can. You can totally get through it.

24:08Dude. Why am I scared? That's what I mean by judgment. And shame. And all of the things. It's like. No. Why am I scared? And do that soften everything. And through this experience. Like. I started to see how deeply. My old identity. Or my younger self. Was tied to muscling through hard things. Like. Powering past discomfort. To surviving. Not feeling. I built so much of my life. Around strength. I suppressed a lot of. Of. Of things. Like. Like. My life was built around.

24:39Strength. Equaling suppression. Like. Strength. Equaling control. Strength. Equaling being tough. Strength. Equaling like. This hard. Exterior layer. Armor. Dude. But like. In me. There. And this is like. The masculine. Right? This is like. Masculine energy. And I'm so sick. Of feeling that way. Because in me. I know there's. Dude. There's so many. Feminine qualities. Of who I am. And. And. And how I operate.

25:10Day to day. And I've just been like. Nope. Suppressed. Suppressed. Suppressed. Suppressed. But in the darkness. Like. Everything stripped away. There's no lights. There's no distraction. There's no armor. And I realize. Wow. True strength. Is very soft. Like. This is a really hard experience. And I can do really hard things. By just softening into them. Like. True strength. Is the courage. To sit with the fear. Without trying to fix it. Like. I'm somebody. It's like. I need to fix everything.

25:41Me sitting with. Me being afraid. To be scared. And just to stay anyway. To cry. To not judge it. To surrender. And to still feel like. I had to surrender. In that experience. But I still felt very strong. And that old version of me. The one who survived. By shutting down. She started to die there. And something more alive. Started to be born. In that experience. Like. I felt. My true self. Coming through. In terms of like. I can be soft. But I can be stern.

26:11Like. The marrying of the feminine. And the masculine together. The calming of my nervous system. And also. The. Protection of the masculine. That makes sense. It's like. In there. I had all of these emotions. I wove in and out. Right. The first day. My nervous system was so. So shot. And by the way. Like. When you. I initiated the darkness. To backtrack. And. The way you have to do it. Is you have to light a candle. And then you turn off the lights. And you blow out the candle. And I initiated it. In that moment. I didn't feel scared.

26:41I felt all of these things. That I just said. I felt very soft. And. I don't know. If it was a mixture. Between my nervous system. Was so shot. Because I was so. Tired. Or it was. I'm just. I'm here. And I'm going to. Experience this. With a different type of energy. But. The first day. I just. And some of you guys have asked me. Like. How did you sleep? Did you sleep a lot? The first day. I slept a lot. Until. But then. As the days got on. Sleep got harder. Because. You're not really doing anything. In the cave.

27:11I'm not. I'm. At most. Had maybe. 800 steps. From my Oura ring. And. And there were some things. I still kept control of. Like. My phone was in the room. But I had. You have no cell service. Like. You can't do anything with the phone. It's just a clock at that point. And so. I was able to still tell what time it was. It was a form of control. I see it. And understand it now. But it didn't take away from my experience. I made the experience. How I needed to make it. For me to feel. That I. Would get the most out of it.

27:41And they also check in on you. In the morning. And at night time. So. He came. I could tell. Like. Even. There were some points. I was like. No. Nick. You don't check it. Like. Just be with it. Right. And so. But I knew he'd come around like nine. And he'd come around like six o'clock at night. So. That was like still a form of like. Okay. I know what time it is. But. It's a sleeping wise. Like. I crashed. And that. The first night. I was so tired. And the first day. I was so tired. And that was a sign. That I felt safe. I felt safe in that. In that spot.

28:13Nothing felt scary to me in the darkness. And they asked me that a couple of times. When they come to check in. Does any room. Or any part of the room. Feel. You feel scared. And I was like. No. I feel fine. So. That was good to hear. Because. I felt. Like. I could keep going on this. Right. And I did the full. I didn't weave in or out. I did the full three. Three days and four nights. A few of the biggest lessons that I learned. And I feel like a lot of you guys are going to resonate with me on this. Is. On. The second day. It was. It was raining. That entire day.

28:44And literally guys. Like the silence. Oof. It was so silent. So silent. You could hear every single one of your thoughts. The silence was like. Either a hum. It was either a ringing. It was either static. Or you could hear. Like on the second day. It rained the entire day. So I could hear the raindrops on the ground. You could hear little animals running by. Turkey. Wild turkeys gobbling. You could hear everything. But on this day. I had just slept a lot.

29:14The first day. On this day. I was like. I'm bored. And again. The emotions you would weave in and out. Okay. I'm bored. And. I'm. Like. I'm just pacing back and forth. Like what. I. I wasn't really. Like. There. I wasn't moving my body. I didn't work out in there. Other than doing some yoga. Maybe some squats. And some push-ups. But I was bored. And so during the check-in. One of the biggest things that he. Told me. To do in this. Is just be honest with everything that you're feeling. Because if you can be honest.

29:44You're accepting it. And you can. Feel. Or learn. Or be curious about. Where it is in your body. That you're feeling this. And then just be with it. And sit with it. Let it pass. But be with what remains. And I was like. Oh. That hits. So during one of the check-ins. I told him. I was like. I am bored. And he asked me. Well. Okay. And each time. They were doing. Like little. Like somatic. Like sessions with you. Or he was like. Okay. If boredom had a voice.

30:15What would it say? And I was like. Dude. I gotta be doing something. Like. I gotta be doing something. He was like. What if it's just okay to do nothing? And I'm like. Uh. He was like. What if that's okay to be. What if it's just okay to be bored? I'm like. Oh shit. That hit me. But under that. Once I accepted it. When I talked it out. Once I said it. And he was like. What if. Under that. Was guilt. Under that boredom. Was so much guilt. Guilt for arresting.

30:45Guilt for not doing something. Guilt for not producing. Guilt for not doing enough. Guilt for not working on something. Guilt for not putting my mind into doing some type of project. Guilt for not. But in the darkness. There's nothing to do. It's. You just have to be. You just have to feel. And I realized. Okay. Stillness is scared. Rest doesn't mean laziness. Presence isn't wasting time. Stillness is where. I get to just be. And meet myself. And experience type of emotion. That I'm feeling. And understand. And be curious. As to why I'm feeling it. Oh. You're feeling it. Because you're guilty.

31:15That you're not doing something. Hmm. Where does that come from? That comes from hustle culture. My friends. The grind. Be busy. Wake up. 5 a.m. Go crush your day. Have tons of energy drinks. Produce. Produce. Produce. Seek. Seek. Seek. Hmm. I have. If not more than ever done that. For the last seven years. Than I've ever done in my life. And let me just say. There's some great ass qualities to that. But there's got to be a balance.

31:47Or you're going to drive yourself through a freaking wall. You're going to be met with emptiness. If you're constantly seeking. Seeking. Seeking material. Like hustle. Like grind. Got to put the grit in. Great qualities. You can learn from that. But can you balance it out with softness. Stillness. Nurturing. Relaxing. Time off. Like vacationing. Like mix those things in together. Because the masculine and feminine. You can't. You got to learn.

32:17At least personally from me. I'm learning that the two need to thrive together. You can't just be one or the other. And I've done a really good job. My masculine. I'm really trying my best to learn the feminine. And that's the journey I'm on right now. So that was an experience. And then another amazing experience I have is. So before I walked into the cave. I stood at the door. And I invited God in the room with me. And I invited my younger self into the room with me. And I asked God to give me clarity and peace and understanding as to what this experience is going.

32:51It's here to give me. And also his wisdom and his courage and his strength to find the words and find the strength and the courage to do this experience with him by my side. And then I knew my younger self was so scared. And so I said, hey girl, I'm here. I got you. And I'm going to keep you safe along this journey. I'm going to check in with you. And anything that you need, I'm holding your hand along the way. And so we walked in. And periodically I would check in with my younger self. And the majority of the time I was talking a lot to God.

33:23And there was one part where I was talking to him that I saw a future vision. And I know and see it so much as clear as day how he's done work in the past, as I said, and in the present and in the future. And by me being in there and nurturing my younger self, something that she didn't have at a young age, one of the deepest moments was the vision of my future children. It was so warm. It was so soft. It was so wholesome. It was so loving.

33:54And it brought me to tears. There was a lot of times that I cried because growing up, I didn't get to experience a nurturing aspect in a way that my heart needed it. Right? Like my mom didn't give me those things. My real mom didn't give me those things that I needed. And it was, again, the character I didn't know. Like, thank God I had my stepmom. But majority of the time, I was in split 50-50 custody with my mom and my dad. And so I would go in and out of nurture, not nurture, nurture, not nurture.

34:25Didn't know what I was getting from this person but got this from this person. And I say this with so much love to you guys. Like, I don't want to shed a bad light on my mom. There's something that in this experience I was able to understand that she didn't have the tools or the resources growing up because I see her humanity now. And I forgive her for not showing up the way that she could have for me because she didn't have the things that she, that, you know, she did the tools and the resources to give her the ability to be that.

34:59And in that moment, I realized, I was like, damn. One of the biggest things for me deep down here on this earth is like being a part of like generational change, being a part of generational change for the wealth of my family, but also being generational change for the emotional trauma that was in me from the womb of being with her, right? And I'm like, I get to be the cycle breaker. I get to create the environment that I craved so much as a younger child.

35:32And I get to give the nurturing that I missed. I get to, and this is what the vision was like, and it was a little girl running to me, having all of these big emotions and me just being like holding her and nurturing her and being like, it is okay to feel what you are feeling. And I'm here to hold you and keep you safe. And that was such a beautiful moment to me. And that right there was generational healing, not just for me, but for those who come after me, for her, for her kids and, and the kid and her kids, kids.

36:06Like this was so the most beautiful aspect of this journey for me. And while I was in the cave, like I kept asking God to as well. I was like, all right, like there was moments of being scared. There's moments, there was moments of these amazing, like that amazing experience that I had and that amazing vision. And then it came back down to like the nights were the hardest for me. I was scared. The noises were so like the small little noises and probably just a little ground squirrel were so big. And I was like, somebody's breaking in. I'm going to die.

36:36It's like you, I would wove in and out, but it's like, well, why am I scared? And that part brought me back to a younger aspect of where I didn't get nurtured. When I lived in this scary ass house next to a graveyard, I thought ghosts were going to get me. So it's like these little things, if you can just be still and, and, and experience like the raw emotions and not judge them or shame them, but be curious with them. You can get to the, where are they coming from and how you can sit with them, be with them and then let them go. And so while I was in there, I kept asking too, I was like, God, when I come out, can you just, can you just show me your glory when I come out?

37:12Like, show me your work. Like, I need to know that we just spent this entire time and I know he's always with us. Don't get me wrong. But like in there, I was like, let's have a grand finale. Let's go out big. And I didn't know exactly what I was asking for. I just knew I wanted to feel him when I walked out. And when I emerged from the darkness, you guys, and again, this is three days, four nights. So I went in on a Friday and I came out on a Tuesday morning. And when I walked out and I emerged from the darkness, it was snowing.

37:44It was snowing. And what was so cool is because the owner was like, we haven't seen much snow this season because it's been rainy and wet and muddy. And just like, that's been the vibe. And when he was like, it's snowing and there's already an inch on the ground and the cover, the hillsides are all covered and it's very bright. I'm like, whoa. In a place that barely got snow all winter, it was as if like God himself whispered, you're not alone.

38:16You were never were. Here I am. I'm showing you that I'm by your side. And I was just immersed in so much gratitude. And so I came out and it was so bright, especially with the snow and being white. It was so bright. And you guys can see on my Instagram, there's a full video of my immersion and like me taking off the blindfolds if you guys are interested in going and checking it out. But it was a really cool experience. I know some of you guys like wanted to hear that aspect, but also wanted to hear like, how did you eat? Did you work out?

38:46Like I did a whole Q&A on my Instagram and they so with food wise, don't know the menu, but it was very clean. It was I didn't know the menu going into it. It was very clean food. It was egg white or hard boiled eggs, chia seed pudding, peanut butter and jellies, which I still kept to this day because I freaking love them. And I felt like a kid eating them again. Salad, soup, tea, no caffeine during the entire time. Carrots, celery, nuts, olives, which I came to a loving, a liking in there too as well and have continued to eat olives post the retreat.

39:25But just very healthy. They live entirely off the grid. They do a lot and they make a lot of their food. But I even asked these like a majority of the food comes from like grocery stores too as well. But but they give it to you. So how I said the two doors, right? They give it to you through a double sided door. So on the where their fireplace is, is another door. It's like being in prison, essentially. Like if you want to think about it like that, like there's a door. He closes the door. I open my side of the door and I take all the food. When I'm done with all the Tupperware, I put the Tupperware back in the door, close my door.

39:57He comes and refreshes it and open the door on his side. So that's how that works. But I ain't in complete darkness. I peed in complete darkness. I bathed in complete darkness. I walked around in complete darkness. It was a lot of like, let me just feel around to where I'm at. At some points like in there is like, I thought I was here, but I'm a little bit disoriented because I'm not and I'm over here. So there was just like there was a lot of feeling around. I ran into the bedpost a couple of times and hurt like a mofo. But how I would spend my days is like literally wake up. I would sit and meditate for I don't know how long because I wasn't really paying attention to the time.

40:28I would check in periodically, as I said, to the time, but I didn't know how long I was actually sitting there. I didn't wasn't like, oh, here at this time, starting and this time ending. I would then move my body was doing some like light, like as I said, some light squats, like maybe 10, 20 and then doing some stretching wasn't much. I would go lay on the bed. I would take a little nap again and then I would go bathe and I would just sit in a zero gravity chair for majority of the day with my thoughts. And having these types of experiences that I should just shared with you.

40:59The nights were definitely the hardest. Like when I couldn't sleep anymore, there was animals on the roof. There was a side outside the cave. There sounds outside of the cave. At one point, I was swore there was something trying to get into the chimney and my heart rate spiked. I shared that on Instagram. And instead of fighting it, man, I just grounded myself in the tools that I had. And I was just breathing and feeling and just staying. And I realized like I can do hard things without muscling through them and I can stay present with fear without letting it control me. And I can stay soft and I can allow the feminine to be even in the face of like all of these survival instincts.

41:31And that was the coolest thing that I took away from it. And walking out of the cave, it felt like just a total like rebirth. It felt like this new, not like a new me kind of rebirth. Like it felt like a coming home to me type of re like knowing and knowing that I have strength, but I'm I can be strengthened. I'm strong and I can be soft. It just there there's parts of me that always have been there beneath the armor beneath their survival. And the part that's that that's strong because that I'm soft.

42:02Right. Like as I said, like there's things like at the depths that I felt like I was so far removed from that in here I was able to get close and exposed to. That's the part where like that I can trust myself deeply. Like getting to those depths. I know that I can trust myself. I hear my I hear my knowing. I understand my my my strengths, my my weaknesses, my characteristics, my value, like all of the things. I know that I can do hard things, but I can do them also in this type of way by softening.

42:36And I also know that like I can do hard things and stay open. I can trust my body and my heart to guide me. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to build this have this armor up around me. I can surrender. I can let go. I know that that God is walking this path with me always. He's already got the plan written. He always has. And I've just trusted it. I can see it clear as day where I've trusted in the past. One being like leaving nursing and have and having no idea what I was going to do. But fitness fell on my plate. Like he that's that Tim drip these little drops along the way.

43:08And I'm and there's one I'm actively living out right now. And I can't wait to share that chapter with you guys. It will come soon. But I just overall, you know, this wasn't just like a reset. It was a return. It was a return to myself, to God, to knowing the higher power is him and to life that I'm meant to live. And it was a really cool experience. Would I do it again? I don't know. I'd never say never. I don't know if I would. But I just first, you know, thank you guys. This is a long episode. Thank you for just being here with me for through this story, for sharing it with you

43:41guys, this transformation through this death period, you know, big shifts happening. And I can't wait for this. What this new what he what his work is doing in this new chapter is about to bring. Thank you, guys. If this spoke to you, please share it with someone who might also need any type of reminder that maybe resonate with you or maybe it could resonate with somebody that you know is going through something or I don't know. Sometimes you find the deepest light by first just stepping into the dark, which is crazy to think about that. But I'm so grateful that I did the experience and I'm so grateful I listened to the calling

44:12of doing it, too, as well. But until next time, you guys, thank you again for leaning in. And I hope this, you know, if you guys want to know more about this experience, Instagram highlight has a ton of Q&A's from it. Thank you guys for leaning in with me on that. Love you guys so much. I'll see you in the next episode. Real quick, if this episode resonated with you or gave you the push that you needed, I'd love for you to pay it forward. Drop a quick rating and review. Share the podcast with someone who might need it and help me keep spreading the word. Your feedback not only helps to show grow, but it might just be the nudge someone else

44:47needs to kickstart their transformation. Thank you so, so, so much for your support.

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