Why Hitting Your Fitness Goal Didn't Make You Happy

Nikkiey: This is what research has specifically spoken to on happiness and goal achievement. The emotional payoff of reaching a goal is almost always shorter and smaller than we predicted. And what that sounds like for us women inside of the fitness industry, and those of us that are on these types of goals that we're working to achieve, is: when I lose weight, I will be happy. I know that many of you listening to this episode right now have either said that or felt that along your journey.

Inside of the fitness industry, I believe that people are selling people destinations instead of the practices that are going to get them to the destination, reminding them of the journey that they have to go on and making sure that they are being realistic with it.

What's going on, everybody? Hey, my friends. Welcome back to another episode of The WarriorBabe Show. I think today's episode is going to hit a little bit differently than most do. I'm not going to talk about macros. I'm not going to talk about training. I'm not really going to talk about trends inside the fitness space or anything that I've recently talked about. Today, I want to talk about something that happens after all of that, after you track your macros, you're consistent with it and you're showing up. The after, the effect of it. What I mean specifically is you hitting a goal.

I think this is really important, and the women that have hit a goal may resonate with what I'm going to talk about today. Or if you are in pursuit of a goal, I think this is really important for you to hear, because it's a mindset topic and I feel like the industry doesn't really prepare women for this. I have coached over 100,000 women inside of WarriorBabe. I have seen women come through our doors. I have heard coaching conversations around this specific topic: women come in and they hope that they're going to feel a certain way when they achieve their goal.

I'm going to elaborate on that in a second. But I think that coming into a journey with that type of framework is one of the most quietly painful experiences a woman can have on her health journey. The moment that you get there, the moment that you hit the goal, the number that you want to see or the pant size that you want to see, the body that you worked so hard for, the muscles, the leanness, the definition, instead of feeling the joy and the fulfillment and the transformation that you expected...

I hear so many women say, "I'm starting out on this goal because I want to feel more confident and I want to feel X, Y and Z." And that's great. But once you actually hit the goal, you feel nothing. Or worse, you feel empty. If this has ever happened to you, this episode is for you, because we're going to talk through what is actually happening psychologically. And like I said, if you're still working to achieve the things that you want to achieve, this episode might be the most important thing that you hear before you get to that end goal.

So first and foremost, I want to talk about the psychological concept of the arrival fallacy: what it is and why it happens. It's described as the false belief that reaching a significant goal is going to produce lasting happiness and fulfillment. And what that sounds like for us women inside of the fitness industry, and those of us that are on these types of goals, is: when I lose weight, I will be happy.

I know that many of you listening to this episode right now have either said that or felt that along your journey. Or: when I hit a number on the scale, I'm going to feel so confident. When I'm able to put on that two-piece bikini, I'm going to feel so confident. When I look the way that I want to look, everything is just going to feel different. When I am lean and defined, I'm going to feel something.

My relationship with my body will finally be okay. I will finally feel like I'm enough. Whatever it is that you have said, whatever narrative has been in your mind while you're pursuing your goals. And the reason this belief is so persistent, so deeply embedded in so many of us women, is that it feels completely logical. You have been working towards something. You have been showing up consistently. You have sacrificed time.

You have been disciplined. You have stayed consistent. Of course getting there should feel significant. It should feel amazing. Of course getting to the destination of this goal should deliver. But this is what research has specifically spoken to on happiness and goal achievement: the emotional payoff of reaching a goal is almost always shorter and smaller than we predicted.

I have felt this in my bones personally. For those of you that know my story, I competed in 2015 and 2018. I left undefeated in the natural industry. When I pursued my goal, it was because I was coming off of an engagement that had just broken. My relationship had just ended. I was looking to pursue confidence within myself. I was also looking to pursue something that would prove to myself that I could do hard things.

Over the decade, that has proven to be amazing. But in that short time, it was a feeling that I was going after. A feeling of confidence. A feeling of, "Oh, he's going to miss out on what he had." I know a lot of you women have felt that way. And I remember, gosh, with bodybuilding, if I can put it into context for you, you do all this work for eight months. And then you step on stage for 20 minutes, a max of maybe 20 minutes.

And it is over after that. Yeah, the emotions are there and the feelings are there. But it's not this lasting happiness and lasting fulfillment. And I believe in this research because I've personally experienced it. It was shorter and smaller than I predicted. Because if you know my story, I gained 25 pounds back immediately following my first show.

Just hold that for context, because I'm sure many of you have your own stories. But getting back to the research: the anticipation of achievement, the image of how it will feel, produced more emotional intensity for me over those eight months than the achievement itself did. And once the goal was reached, the psychological and neurological systems that were activated by me pursuing this goal just stopped.

Maybe some of you have done marathons or triathlons. Maybe it was your first one. For those of you who continue doing it, there is merit to the discipline and consistency. Like I said, over the decade of me showing up, I've proved to myself I can do hard things. But maybe it was your first marathon and you were hoping to feel a certain type of way at the end. There's no sustained fulfillment. There's no sustained arrival.

There's a brief moment. Sometimes it's just hours of satisfaction. And then the baseline returns. Like I said, my baseline returned. Anybody that's run their first marathon, the baseline returns. You're not actively pursuing it anymore. This is just how the human brain works. We are adaptation machines. We acclimate to new circumstances, good and bad, and we do it with remarkable speed. The body you worked so hard for becomes your new normal almost immediately.

And normal does not feel like anything. It just feels like life. So for us in fitness, pursuing these types of lofty goals, the arrival fallacy looks like this: you hit your goal, your body composition, weight, a pant size. And then, I've heard this so many times, you feel nothing, or you feel something only briefly. You have relief, you have pride. You have some moment of genuine joy: "I did it. I'm so excited." And the coaches and the babes in WarriorBabe are sharing these achievements and these wins, and there's merit to it. There's so much merit to it.

But then days later, you're looking in the mirror feeling exactly the same as you did before. The pant size changed. The number changed. The reflection changed. But something inside did not. And nobody warned you that this was going to happen, so you assume something is wrong with you.

Nothing is wrong with you. You just arrived somewhere that was never designed to hold what you are looking for. And if we really wanted to expand on this, this type of fallacy affects every area of your life. It affects career goals. It affects relationship milestones. It affects you if you are a new believer and following Jesus. It happens with financial achievements.

Now, honing in specifically on fitness goals, we're especially susceptible to it, because I think there are factors unique to the fitness space that make the landing harder than almost any other category. You guys know I'm new to my faith. I'm a new believer. It's been almost a year since I was baptized, and I have just been on fire for God. And I'm so thankful for my fitness journey because I've been able to tie it back to the time it takes to change me internally, which is going to produce the results I'm looking for on the external. I remind myself: muscle wasn't built overnight. So my heart changing, the things I'm praying on, my relationship with God, isn't going to happen overnight. I'm just saying that for encouragement.

But going back to fitness, it makes the landing harder. One of the reasons why is that the goal we're searching for is always about a feeling, not about a number. Yes, you want to reach a certain number on the scale, but you have a feeling attached to that. When women say they want to lose 20 pounds or fit into a certain size or look a certain way, what they are actually after is a feeling. You're actually after confidence. You're after freedom. You're after peace. You're after whatever feeling is associated with you and your body, self-acceptance. Those are the real goals. The number is just the proxy for getting to that goal.

And when the number arrives but the feeling doesn't, which I'll tell you rarely happens, because feelings don't live in those numbers, the disappointment you experience is so loud. It's huge. And it's not because you did anything wrong. It's because the goal was never actually the thing that was going to produce what you needed. The feeling that you were chasing does not come from the outside in. It has to be built from the inside out.

You guys know I say this all the time when I'm talking in more tactical terms: starting to eat the basics, getting more protein in, eating more nutritionally dense foods, maybe focusing on your macros, or not even getting that far, just changing your eating habits. You expect the change to happen on the outside so quickly when it's still changing internally: your hormonal processes, cellular responses, those types of things have to change.

It just doesn't happen overnight. I'm saying it in a different context here, mentally, mindset-wise: the feeling that you're chasing does not come from the outside in. It has to be changed from the inside out. That applies to what I just said about a faith journey too. No number, no pant size, no body fat percentage is going to deliver that. That's why I feel it lands harder than almost any other goal category.

Because the goal is not just about the number you're seeking. It's about what you're looking to feel internally. And that's why we say you have to... Quick break. If you're finding this episode helpful so far, it would mean a lot if you could hit pause for just a second, leave a quick rating or review, or share it with someone who could benefit from it. Your support helps more women discover these tools to build muscle, lose fat and feel confident. Thank you so much for being a part of this journey with me.

You have to find fulfillment and joy and love and contentment and confidence in the small things you do every single day. In meal prepping, you prove to yourself, you give yourself belief, that you're doing a small thing and following through. You should have confidence in that. You should have confidence in just putting on your gym clothes and going to the gym. You should find strength in completing a workout. You should find love in the body that you have now, in what you have been given, like the conversation I had around stewarding your body. You should find fulfillment and love and joy in the process now, not as an afterthought.

And that goes into the pursuit you're on right now. It has a purpose. If you're just looking for the arrival, that arrival is going to remove that purpose for you. I think this is one of the most underappreciated dynamics of goal achievement, and it's really true in the fitness space.

The journey toward a body composition goal gives your life more structure. It gives it more direction. It gives it more meaning. You have a reason to train. You have a reason to track your food. You have a reason to make a harder choice when you're out at a restaurant or with friends. You should find joy and love in the journey. You have new reasons to live. The pursuit itself is purposeful. When you arrive, if you were only focused on the end goal, that purpose disappears.

You miss out on all of the incredible things that are happening along the way. The structure dissolves. The thing that was organizing your days and your decisions is completely gone, if you were just waiting to get to the outcome.

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And I can say this: I have found so much when I'm just doing the simple, basic things, like meal prepping, sitting down to a protein-packed meal and getting my workout in for the day. I have so much structure and direction and joy and love for the body I have and for the ability to go out and work out. Some people don't have that.

In the last week, I had to check myself. I'd slipped on getting enough protein in over the last two months, or even longer than that, and I had to be reminded that this life gives me these things.

I'm not here just to make my butt look good or my body look good. I'm here for a purpose and a reason. When I say this, it's because I've lived it. I'm on the other side of it. And I want those of you on this journey right now to find this now and fall in love with it now, rather than six months down the road when you're letting the outcome take away the joy and the purpose of the journey you're on. Because when you are structured and disciplined and you have organization to your days, if you're just focused on the outcome, those things disappear.

Oh, wait, I got sidetracked. I had to make hard decisions in the last week, personally. And they're harder at the beginning for anybody, when you're out to eat with friends and you have to say no to something. Maybe it's dessert, and you don't need a whole wad of whatever they're going to give you. I'll give you some context from last week.

I've been trying to get myself back to the basics and remind myself of my journey. We were out to dinner, and my friends ordered two desserts. I just had a spoonful of one. I didn't have to explain it, because my friends know this is part of my lifestyle. But trust me, I wanted to go in for more. So that was a harder choice for me: "Okay, I'm just going to be okay with one spoonful." That's okay. There's nothing wrong with that. And that's where you can find confidence, in making that decision.

Because when you're focusing on just the outcome, the emptiness that follows is the loss of the joy of what you could have experienced along the way. But it's also the absence of the pursuit itself, the thing that was making you feel alive and directed. I feel alive and directed when I'm able to focus on what got me my results in the first place.

And I hope you can change that mindset. That's the point I'm trying to get across. It's not about the outcome. It's about the pursuit along the way. More importantly, plainly put, it's about the identity built around the goal. You are building a new you around this. And along the way, you can see small changes happening internally, decisions you are making for you that are outwardly showing in your actions.

Women who hit their fitness goals and feel nothing are often grieving the journey as much as they are confused by the destination. Those of you getting to the end, wanting to feel a certain way and obsessed with just a number, you're feeling nothing because you didn't get to experience the joy along the way. Let me just say that. And to tie it together, bringing it back to me:

I hope to encourage you through the story of the journey I've been able to go on. I'm deep in the journey, and it's just become a part of who I am. I know that I'm a work in progress. And I understand that the things that got me to where I am today were purposeful and meaningful. So I get back to just the basics of doing things. It sounds so silly, stupid simple, but it is. It doesn't need to be overcomplicated.

I just meal prepped my food this morning and I felt so accomplished afterwards. And you can feel that same way now. You don't have to wait for the end goal, is what I'm saying.

Okay, let's talk about what to do instead. I want to help you build a relationship with your journey, with all the things I just talked about, that doesn't depend on you getting to the outcome. It doesn't depend on you getting to the arrival point. So first and foremost, I want you to shift from outcome goals to process goals.

I've talked about this before in a different context. An outcome goal is "I want to lose 20 pounds" or "I want to get to a size 14." A process goal is "I want to strength train consistently four to five days a week," "I want to hit my protein target consistently on a weekly basis," or "I want to sleep seven hours a night." That difference is huge, because outcome goals have an end point.

When you reach it, the motivation it provided usually evaporates. That's what we talked about. Process goals don't have an end point. They're the ongoing practice of the behaviors that produce the results. And the satisfaction of process goals comes from the doing. It comes from you taking action. It comes from you showing up daily, like I was talking about, and making the small things the big things.

It comes from you actively doing what you need to do to be on the trajectory toward the goal. It's not the arriving. So every week that you work out consistently is a week that you just won. Every day that you hit your protein target is a day that you succeeded. Those are wins you should gain these feelings through. Those wins are continuous, rather than you getting to an end point and it being singular.

I don't want this episode to mean that you can't have an outcome goal. It means that you don't make the outcome goal the entire basis of your relationship with your journey. They're mile markers. They're useful for direction, for knowing when we're on point and when we're off point. But they're not the destination you stake all your happiness on.

Next, I would say redefine what the goal actually is for you. If you really want to feel confident in your body, make confidence the goal. Not the weight. Not the pant size. Make the feeling itself your goal. Then ask yourself what builds confidence independent of what the scale says. Is it me getting my workout done? Is it me gaining strength? Is it me showing up consistently and meal prepping and giving myself confidence that I can do that? Is it doing the hard things? Is it walking into the weight room?

You see what I mean? Proving to yourself that you can be trusted with your own commitments. That's confidence. And those things are available to you right now. They're available today. They're available at any weight. They're available at any stage of your journey. And when you build confidence through those behaviors, rather than waiting for a number to deliver it, you arrive at the destination you actually wanted before you even hit that number on the scale.

Another one I would say is: plan for after before you get there. If you are still working toward a goal, this would be your homework right now. You're in the process, you're taking steps with the behaviors and you're taking action. Decide now what you are working toward next. Not a harder or leaner or more aggressive version of the same goal. Something like a performance goal: a lift you want to hit, a race you want to run, a physical skill you want to build. Or a phase goal.

We do this inside of WarriorBabe: a building phase, a maintenance phase, a season of training, being in maintenance and learning how to have joy in it. Something your health enables, something you will do with the body you're working towards. They always say have your next goal before you complete the current one. Having that next chapter doesn't diminish the one you're working on now. It just means that when you arrive, you already have your transition into the next one.

So that you don't have a period like I did. I didn't have a goal after my goal, and I gained 25 pounds back in one month. So instead of having an outcome goal, focus on a process goal. Most importantly, focus on the behaviors you are building and learning as part of your journey.

Okay, so here's what I want you to take away from today. The arrival fallacy is so real, but it's just a part of how our brains work.

Inside of the fitness industry, I believe that people are selling people destinations instead of the practices and the process that are going to get them to the destination, reminding them of the journey they have to go on and making sure they are being realistic with it. I don't want this episode to make you stop having goals. You should have goals. It's to stop outsourcing your well-being to them, and to build a relationship with your journey that is rooted in the process.

The identity and the ongoing practice, behaviors and actions of you showing up for yourself. Not in the number. You're never going to find a feeling inside of a number. You may never even get to that number as you're changing your body composition. And you're allowed to feel proud of where you're going. You're allowed to experience all those feelings I mentioned now: joy, love, happiness, fulfillment, excitement. You're allowed to feel good right now. Those two things are not in conflict with each other at all.

And the sooner you build a life that does not require arrival to feel worthwhile, the freer and more sustainable everything is going to become. And there's going to be so much joy in your journey. I hope this episode resonated with you. I hope it inspires and encourages you to find love and joy in the process you're on right now. If it did resonate with you, come find us inside the free WarriorBabe community.

It's a space full of women building exactly this type of relationship with their health. We are so blunt about the journey they're on. It's not about chasing destinations. It's about showing up in the process, and most importantly, showing up in the process together. The link to the free community is in the show notes below this episode. And share this episode with anybody you feel it would resonate with, someone in your space who doesn't even know this episode exists.

All right. I love y'all, and I'll see you in the next episode.

Hey, really quick before you go, I have one small favor to ask. If this episode brought you value or sparked something in you, take a moment to hit that review button. Your rating and review make all the difference in helping more women discover the tools they need to transform their fitness and their confidence. It takes less than a minute, but it can change the path of someone else's journey. Thank you so much for leaving that review. I appreciate you so much.

Thank you.