Eating More to Lose Weight After Years of Restriction

Erin: Get off the scale. For so many years, my worth was determined by a number on a scale. If it was up, I was having a shitty day. If it was down, I was all smiles.

Nikkiey: What's up, everybody? Welcome back to The WarriorBabe Show. I'm very excited for this guest. I just got to selfishly hang out with her a little bit before recording this podcast, and y'all are going to love it. We have an amazing guest here virtually with us. She is the host of the wildly popular podcast Squats and Margaritas. I mean, what better name is that? She's the author of From Pain to Purpose and a body positive advocate, and I can't wait to dive into all of the things that she has to share with you guys today. I'm really looking forward to her sharing her story with you, because I know a lot of you guys will be able to resonate with this. So Erin, welcome to the show.

Erin: Thank you for that intro. Happy to be here.

Nikkiey: You're welcome. I'm excited for you to be here. So let's just get right into it. Why don't you welcome yourself to this podcast, this community of people that you are speaking to, and give us a little bit of background on you, Erin.

Erin: Yes. I am a mom of two. I'm currently living in Atlanta, and I'm a woman who struggled with body image, all the eating disorders, and basically having no self-worth for 20 years. I struggled from 16 to 36 and found a better way of living, a balanced lifestyle of squats and margaritas. I ended up writing a book to share this message with the woman who is on the treadmill seven days a week, sometimes twice a day, like I was, only eating salads and starving herself. There is a better way. I was able to reach my physical ideal by living life with balance, stopping all the obsession and restriction.

Organically, my eating disorder history came out in the book, and I have been able to amass a little community of women that have also been vulnerable and didn't really have anywhere to go and share their story. Once I was vulnerable, they realized that they weren't alone. I found that it is my passion to make other women feel less alone and feel seen. I have a podcast, Squats and Margaritas, where I share vulnerable conversations so that other women don't feel alone. As an extension of the podcast, I also started a nonprofit for teen girls who are struggling with body image and self-worth so that they have a safe place to go, because I sure as hell could have used that when I was struggling.

Nikkiey: I told y'all, you guys are going to really resonate with this story, especially if you find yourself already resonating with what Erin just said. So let me ask you, can you take us back to the beginning? Can you take us back to where your struggles and your eating disorders started? What were the factors that contributed to them, and how did they impact your life?

Erin: My struggles started in high school, but my story starts with soccer. I started playing when I was four and I was completely obsessed. It was my identity. It was my worth and my value. I trained obsessively all year round. I ended up starting varsity as a freshman in high school and never came off the field. I was captain my junior and senior year. We were back-to-back state champions. Soccer was life. I ended up getting a Division I college scholarship.

In high school, I equated thin with fit and good for soccer. I thought the thinner I was, the faster I would be, and that thin meant fit and in shape. My sophomore year is when it started. I started my period late, so my body started to change and gain weight, and that was not ideal for soccer. So my junior year, I drastically reduced my calories, to the point where I remember carrots were off limits because they were a starchy vegetable. I would come home from school and make myself nap, because it was time that I wasn't eating.

Junior year, we were state champions and soccer was going well. But my coach called me on it. He said, your crosses aren't strong anymore. You've lost all the strength in your legs. You're getting too thin. When he equated it to soccer, I was like, well, shit, I've got to eat, because soccer is life. So I started eating. But that's when my eating disorder evolved to exercise bulimia. If you're not familiar, you literally count or jot down the calories of everything you eat, then you go work off the same amount of calories on a cardio machine. That continued the rest of my high school career. So I was eating, but I was canceling it all out.

Then I get a Division I scholarship and go to college. I was used to never coming off the field. I came in and won all our preseason conditioning tests, and I'm like, this is going to be great. The season started and I wasn't playing, and I didn't know what to do with that. I stuck it out my freshman year and halfway through my sophomore year, and then on a whim, really, I decided, this is bullshit. I'm done. I'm not playing. I'm working so hard, training in the morning, going to school, then practice and the training room. It takes over your whole life, and I wasn't getting to do the fun part of playing in the game.

As I mentioned, I didn't really think it through. I quit and then went back to the soccer house where I lived, where my teammates would go to practice and leave on away trips over the weekends. I just sat there and fell into complete depression. Soccer was my value and my worth, and in an instant it was gone. I gained a bunch of weight, because 40 minutes on the elliptical at the student rec center wasn't getting it done like my strength and conditioning program was. I think I initially found bulimia as a way to get rid of the weight, but it became something that I would struggle with for the next 10 years of my life.

It was all I thought about. Looking back now, I think it was something I could control when I felt like everything else was out of control. I hid it from the five girls that I was living with, but it was all I thought about all day: the next time I could binge and purge. I was completely depressed. And it all stems back to soccer. The anorexia was because I needed to be fit and thin for soccer. The bulimia was when I lost my soccer career and my identity. That's where the struggle started.

Then for my adult life, I wasn't abusing my body anymore with the eating disorders, but I was severely restricting my calories, working out twice a day, and actually 20 pounds heavier than I am now, living my squats and margaritas lifestyle.

Nikkiey: Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I've never personally had an eating disorder, but I can imagine that they can be incredibly challenging to overcome. So that happened, and now you're here, which is incredible, and I can't wait to talk about that too. What motivated you to start this journey to getting better, your road to recovery? And what were some of the biggest obstacles that you faced along the way?

Erin: I'm not proud of this answer, but honestly, when you have an obsessive personality and you pour everything into one thing, it's hard to continue with it if there's something else on your plate. I'm all in. When I started dating my husband, I became obsessive about the relationship. He was a Pro Bowl linebacker in the NFL at the height of his career, and I had no self-worth. So I spent my days finding message boards where groupies would go and write about their little flings with players, and I would type his name in that search bar every day. When he was in the shower, I was in his phone. I became completely obsessive about that, and my eating disorder fell away, the actual bulimia and throwing up my food. I wasn't doing that anymore because my obsession shifted.

I say now, if there's a firstborn obsessive perfectionist personality listening, I'm not saying go stalk your boyfriend or your husband and then your eating disorder will stop. But I am saying, if you have that kind of personality, try channeling your obsession somewhere else, somewhere positive. Think of something that you love to do, or teach someone how to do something. Once you can channel that obsession away from it, it will fall away.

I did not get treatment. I will also say that because I didn't get treatment, I am called out a lot by the eating disorder community for using fat phobic language, and maybe I don't say things the right way. Had I gone to treatment, maybe I would say things the right way. But I'm just sharing my story. When I started obsessing about the relationship, my eating disorder fell away. I wasn't physically abusing my body, but like I said, I was severely restricting my calories and working out two times a day, only cardio.

Then there was this moment of clarity when a trainer at my gym said, I see how frustrated you are, and I want to help you. And I'm like, you can't. I'm doing everything right. I work out every day. I barely eat. And I can't lose weight. And he's like, well, yeah. You're overexercising and you're under-eating. Just very casually, like obviously that's the problem. Saying that to someone that wouldn't eat carrots at one point and used to throw up her food, eat more to lose weight was not even something I would consider.

But at that point, Nikkiey, I had tried all the diets. I had had eating disorders, done everything. Like I said, I was about 20 pounds heavier and frustrated, because I felt like I was doing it the way women are taught: calories in versus calories out. As long as I'm barely eating and overexercising, I will be thin. But you can get your body to a point where it's not going to get thinner. It's going to shut off, because it doesn't trust you and you're not fueling it enough. And I know you had a similar situation with restriction and overexercise. Women think that's how to do it. When I was living that way, I was 20 pounds heavier. I was miserable and frustrated because I was doing it the right way, in quotes, and it wasn't working.

So he convinces me to download MyFitnessPal and figure out my macros, which I still have PTSD about when I see macros, because I used to be obsessive about it. But I will say that learning my macros and learning that I was under-eating by 900 calories a day shifted things for me. It made sense. I see the numbers. He said, you are under-eating. Once you start eating again, your metabolism is going to turn back on, because your body is going to trust that you're going to fuel it.

I had nothing to lose, so I trusted this trainer and started eating maybe double what I was eating before. I was super cautious about it. I was eating really healthy, but I was eating a shit ton, every couple hours. And in maybe a month, I lost five pounds. For the scale to budge at all was astonishing to me. I'm eating more and I'm losing weight. I felt hungry again, and I turned on my metabolism. So that trainer telling me that I was overexercising and under-eating, which I thought was the way because women are taught that that's the way, changed everything for me.

The other component was lifting. I thought women were supposed to do their cardio and the men were in the weight room. But I will say it right now: look at Nikkiey. Go to the gym next time, look around and find the woman with that ideal body. She's not on the cardio machine. She's in the weight room.

Nikkiey: Hell yeah. Women are taking over the weight room, by the way.

Erin: Because muscle is the most metabolically active tissue in your body, and the more you have, the more you burn, even when you're not working out. Women picture the big, bulky bodybuilder lady. Your body's not going to do that. Naturally, your body will tone when you lift. I was not lifting heavy because I just wanted to tone, and I had zero tone until I started lifting heavier. I'm not a trainer. I'm just a mom who figured this out and needs other women to trust me. If you are shying away from weights because you think you're going to bulk, or you're sticking to fives or tens because you don't want to bulk, you are not going to get that muscle tone unless you lift heavier. Putting muscle on your body is going to stoke your metabolism. You don't even have to work out as much. Putting muscle on my body and eating more were the game changers for me.

Nikkiey: Okay. Everybody just needs to rewind. That was probably a minute and a half. Just rewind back and listen to that over and over again. I'm even having my team clip it, and that's going to be posted on social media.

Erin: Make me a collaborator, girl, because I want all the women to know. You get so frustrated. You're like, I'm doing it right. I don't eat and I do my cardio. But your body has shut off. You have destroyed your metabolism, especially if you had any kind of eating disorder like I did. Sometimes when I'm doing interviews, people react when I just talk about my bulimia. But I'm telling you, if there is something you're holding shame about and you don't want to say it out loud, write it. You don't even have to say it out loud. You don't have to write a book. Just get it out and it loses its power. I say it so casually now because it has nothing else on me.

Whatever you're thinking of right now, that thing, you have to release it. Then it's off and you're lighter, and you can move on with the rest of your life. Everybody struggles with something. Mine was disordered eating. Now I have made it a point to make other women feel seen. I did the same exact things. And I came out of it and found squats and margaritas and this balanced lifestyle. I get that eat more to lose weight doesn't sound right, but it works. Trust me, and know that I struggled for 20 years before finding this. So I get your skepticism. But I'm telling you, everything changed. I've been able to maintain a 20-pound weight loss for the past seven years, enjoying my life, having daily indulgences, and lifting instead of all the cardio. Now I just walk. I enjoy my life. I weigh less. I'm a happier girl.

Nikkiey: Let's go, Erin. Let's go. You're on one right now. I love it.

Erin: It took me 20 years. I hate that it took me 20 years. I'm 41, Nikkiey. If I can talk to someone who's 31, please trust me. This is the formula, and no one tells women this.

Nikkiey: I love that. All of that, everything you just said, so freaking good. There was something in there that I want you to elaborate on, because I feel like it's going to be super helpful for the women listening who resonate with your story. You just mentioned writing it down, getting it on paper, getting it out of your head. Burning it would probably even be a strategy, right? So what are the key strategies and approaches that you found super helpful in your recovery process, when you were getting better and learning all the things that you just said to get to your dream body? I can't wait for you to talk about that too, because I know you're going to pop off there as well. Were there any specific techniques or support systems that played a significant role in your journey?

Erin: Well, the technique was forced out of me, if I'm being honest. I hadn't done the eating disorder behaviors in 10 years when I wrote my book. I realized finally, it's lifting. It's putting muscle on your body. It's eating more. I'm going to write a book called Squats and Margaritas, to the woman who is working out and not seeing results. I got a writing coach and she asked, are you a trainer? And I'm like, no. She's like, are you a nutritionist? No. And she's like, well, you have no credibility. Why would anyone listen to you? You have these abs on the cover. And I'm like, oh no. I struggled. These are new, and I finally figured this out. And she said, if there is a story of how you got to this, you have to share it, or you're not going to have any credibility with the reader.

I was like, no, no, no. It's shameful. I can't think of anything grosser than saying, I used to eat until I made myself throw up. Thank God no one found out about it. I fought her. I said, no, I just want to help women. I'm going to write basically what became the second half of my book. But she pushed me. She said, if there is a story, you have to share it. So one day I wrote it. I didn't even email it back to her yet, and Nikkiey, instantly I felt lighter.

Again, I wasn't doing the behaviors anymore. But even if it's not happening anymore, if you've never acknowledged it to the universe, you're still carrying it. You may not even realize it. It may be something from your past, something that happened to you, but you have to release it. You're still carrying it, and it's because of shame. Once you release it, you realize there is a whole community of people. I get at least two DMs a week from somebody who says, I just heard you on a podcast, you're the first person I've ever told that I was bulimic or anorexic, or that I struggled with depression. You realize you're not alone and you find community. There are all kinds of pages you can follow on Instagram.

You realize you're not alone when vulnerable people like you and I, Nikkiey, share our stories. You shared a story of how you were literally full of shit because of how you were eating, under-eating and overexercising. I loved it. I couldn't wait to be on your show when I heard it, because there are all types of women that has happened to, or that are still doing it. But nobody wants to say it. You don't want to tell someone that. But once you do, somebody says, oh my God, thank you, me too. And you realize you're not alone.

So my tips would be: you don't have to write a book. Write it down, or tell someone. Tell me, DM me, just get it out. We haven't gotten into my foundation yet, but that's why my foundation is going to provide mentorship for teen girls, a safe space to share whatever the thing is with someone who's been through that thing. Find groups on Instagram where you're not going to be judged, because I'm telling you, everybody has been through the same things. It's just that not everyone says it out loud.

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Nikkiey: I can't wait for you to share your foundation too, because I selfishly got to hear a little bit about it beforehand. You're onto something huge, which is exciting for you. So you mentioned this book, and I'm excited for you to elaborate a little more on it. Your book, From Pain to Purpose. Oh, there she is.

Erin: I was like, do I have one by me? Yes. From Pain to Purpose.

Nikkiey: Beautiful. Okay. So thank you. Sharing your personal story can have a profound impact on others, which is obviously what you're doing with your passion and your mission, sharing the challenges you went through and helping people create positive impact. What message or main takeaway from your book do you hope readers will gain? And how do you envision it helping those who are struggling with eating disorders or the related issues that you struggled with?

Erin: Everyone has their thing. Like I said, it's the thing that you're thinking of right now. That is your superpower. Your vulnerability is your superpower, and sharing it and helping the next woman out of it means that that struggle was not in vain. All my eating disorders and depression, all the years I thought my boyfriend was cheating on me, the insecurities and struggles, were for me to come out on the other side, share my story and have this platform to help the next person out of it. So my book is From Pain to Purpose: Finding Meaning in the Mess. Everything is purposeful. You went through it to be able to help the next person out of it.

That's when you find community to support. I wake up lit up because I know that there are women that know my story and now trust me, and I can show them the way out of it. Whatever you've been struggling with, that's your superpower. Say it out loud and then help the next person out of it. As I mentioned, I took it a step further and actually established something that I didn't have when I was going through my mess. That's where you find life's purpose.

I'm a mom of two, and I talk to moms a lot. I can't speak for all moms, but I thought I was going to be a stay-at-home mom. I told my husband, I'm going to be a stay-at-home mom, and that was it. When my kids were about two and five, I felt restless and itchy. I felt like there was more, but you have the shame: no, you're a mom now, it's not about you. I just felt like I had more to offer. I say now, if you're a mom who hasn't found her purpose or isn't living a purposeful life, who is just taking care of the kids, start putting yourself out into the universe authentically and organically and watch for the guidance. What is for you will fall in your lap.

Nikkiey, I talked to you a little bit about this off air. I was going live during the pandemic, just being myself. I was complaining that the gyms were closed and the schools were closed and the playgrounds were closed. I had a two- and a four-year-old and I didn't know what the hell I was supposed to do with them. So I would go live and say, what are we doing with our kids? A program director at the biggest radio station in DC was watching me every week, unbeknownst to me. It wasn't an audition. I was just being myself, trying to make it through the pandemic and share best practices for moms. One day she calls me and offers me my own show, and the radio station produces it and promotes it on the air.

Nikkiey, if there had been an ad saying a podcast network is looking for a new host, that would never have crossed my mind. But what was for me literally dropped in my lap when I was just putting myself out into the world authentically and organically. I speak now, and I won't give my whole speech, but I say: whatever the thing is that you're holding on to, share it, get it off of you, release the shame of it, and then use it to find purpose in supporting others.

It doesn't even have to be something dark like mine was. What's something you're good at? What's something you can teach someone else? Start a blog, start an Instagram page, start putting out what you're good at and helping other people. You find purpose in the community that you will amass by putting out your thing. Maybe it's recovering from something. You've done it, and now you can bring the next person out. That's how you find purpose. Your pain is not in vain. You can use it, and then it was all worth it to help the next person out of it, regardless of what you went through. There are women dealing with that right now.

Again, I hadn't done those behaviors in 10 years, but I was carrying the shame of it. I wasn't doing it anymore, but there's someone else who is, who still has the shame and is not going to say it out loud. So I will. And then hopefully they can see that I came out of it and they can come out of it too. You find purpose through your mess. It's not something to be looked at as this horrible time in your life. Use it. Make it something that was meant for you to go through to find purpose. Once you start living in alignment with your life's purpose, you are lit up. And I see you're the same way, helping other women through something that you went through. Nothing was in vain.

Nikkiey: Yeah. The universe handed it to you. It was like, Erin, here you go.

Erin: It dropped it in my lap. And I only talk to people like you on my show who are just as vulnerable, so that you can just turn on my show. Yes, you can learn a lot from these women, but you can also just listen to a vulnerable conversation and think, oh my gosh, me too. Even saying that I didn't feel fulfilled as a mom, you feel like you're not supposed to say that. You're a mom, your kids are the most important things. And I love my kids. It's not that I don't want to be a mom, but I felt like there was more, and nobody says it. We have to say the things so that other women think, oh my God, me too, and feel seen and less alone and not isolated.

Nikkiey: For sure. Women see themselves in you and your story, in what you say and how you've come out of it. That's your impact on the world, which is an incredible evolution.

Erin: I can say now, I would not have been this open before. I had to get to a place of self-love and acceptance. Now I will say the things that other people won't say, because I'm totally comfortable in who I am. But that was recent. I would say I found self-confidence and self-worth at 38, 39, and I'm 41 now. So I didn't have it before. When I was holding shame about things, it was like, I'm not going to speak on that because I used to do these things. Get it out, release the shame, and then just be authentically you, and you attract people who are attracted to your authentic self. If you're putting out a facade, this beautiful Instagram page where everything's filtered, and you get likes and shares, how could that even be validating? They are liking something that's not you. You just show up to a podcast looking like me, no makeup.

Nikkiey: All the way. Within the first 30 seconds of Erin popping on, and mind you, we've never met before, she says, is this on video, Nikkiey? I'm like, yeah. And she's like, oh snap. You look great. I was walking my dog. Share your no-filter thing that you're going through right now, which I think will resonate so hard.

Erin: I don't like filters. Well, even the Paris filter, just the first one, gives a little shine. It's not going to tweak your face, it just makes it brighter. It's not a huge one, but now it's no Paris filter, no filters. Because if you are not confident enough to put out how you actually look and you put a filter on it, and you get all these likes, it's like, everybody likes it, but that's not what you look like. If you get likes looking like yourself, that should be validating. If someone comments and likes what I'm saying, this is who I am. You can't find validation from something on social media that's not you.

I see a lot of people doing this with their spouses. I know some of these people can't stand their husband or are never with them, but on Instagram they're with their husband. Someone's going to run into you and ask, where's your husband? Or someone's going to see you in Publix and think, oh, that's what you look like. You're not Beyonce, someone nobody sees in person. Somebody will see you and know that you don't look that way. So why put out this image and have a teen girl comparing herself to this perfect thing that's not even real? It's not fair. I don't want an 18-year-old, or a 12-year-old girl on Instagram thinking, oh my God, she's so beautiful. No, this is not real. No more filters. If everyone stopped using filters and just showed up as they are, it takes the pressure off. Any likes are validating, because they like you, not this thing that you made up online.

And really quickly, I watched a model, a reality star with a really thin model body, on a plane, through the seats, using what I assume was FaceTune, blowing up a picture of her bikini body and shaving off a little bit of her arm, shaving off a little bit of her leg. She doesn't think anybody's watching. I see her name, so I go on Instagram. She posts it and gets, I remember, 119,000 likes. Nikkiey, there are two problems here. One is the obvious: that 12-year-old girl is going to think, if I could just starve myself a little bit more or lift a little bit heavier, I could look like that. She doesn't look like that. You are comparing yourself to something that's not even real, and you're having a shitty day comparing yourself when the model in the photo has not even achieved that body. The second part, Nikkiey: this really thin woman was not confident enough to post a picture of her own body without taking some off her arm and leg. It was so sad.

Nikkiey: I've never even heard of FaceTune. What is this?

Erin: Well, I didn't know what it was at that point. This was in my first book when I wrote this story. Now I know what it is. There are apps that can literally change the shape of your face. She was blowing it up and just trimming down. And Nikkiey, she was a thin, thin woman. She wasn't confident enough to post her body as it was. And there is going to be a little girl thinking, like how we used to live, I can starve myself a little bit more, I can get there. She didn't get there. That's not real. There's nothing that says this image has been edited. She just put out a picture that was not real, and it's going to make someone have a shitty day.

Nikkiey: Could you imagine if Instagram or social media did that?

Erin: Oh, snap. I know. And when everybody stops doing it, then there's no pressure. I don't have to worry about somebody actually seeing me, because I show up as I am. And there's nothing wrong with, sometimes I get in my head, because when I do speaking, I get glam. And I'm like, should I not do that, because that's not what I really look like? But I feel good when I put on makeup. But Glennon Doyle went on Ellen with no makeup on, nothing, and she said it was the most liberating thing. No one would ever think to do that. But if more people started doing it and we saw normal, un-airbrushed, no-makeup faces more often, it would be normalized, so you wouldn't even have the thought that you need to filter to look perfect.

I know it sounds so simple: just stop using the filter. I wanted to stop using filters five years ago. I just found this place of acceptance. If you don't like me, that's okay. The people who are here, I know they like me, because I'm always just showing up as I am. I've said it three times: it can't be validating to get likes or followers for something that's not you. Oh my God, 300 likes. That's not you. That doesn't count. It's validating when people like and share your content when you know you're authentically showing up as you are.

Nikkiey: Yeah, it just feeds a void, and there's such a hole in that person, which is so sad to think about. But then to put it out on social media in a way that just isn't real, raw or honest, it still hurts that person, and it can affect so many other people in unimaginable ways. You're talking about a 12-year-old or a 16-year-old looking at this person and thinking, man, I just need to be a little bit skinnier.

Erin: It's irresponsible. You know that is not your body. I'm sure she was thinking about how good she would look on her Instagram, and her ideal is a thin body, but you've got to think. I have a seven-year-old daughter, and you have to catch yourself if you're putting on a filter. I saw Jessica Simpson on Good Morning America talking about this. She said, every time I try to use a filter, it's like, why am I not okay showing up as I am? What do I want to show my daughter? Oh honey, put a filter on that, when she's posting a picture of herself? That's what you're modeling: that you're not okay as you are, that you have to make it a little bit cleaner. I don't want her to feel that way. I have to model it.

It's the same with stepping on a scale. Moms tell girls, you're so beautiful, you're so strong, and then they're in the mirror saying, I've got to lose five pounds, or they're standing on the scale. She's watching you. It's not just what you say to her. It's how you talk to yourself and what you're modeling, because you are the example of what a woman is. So it's irresponsible not to think about who is consuming the content or who in your home is watching your behavior.

Nikkiey: Facts. What would you say if I said I use a filter on my story?

Erin: Look, you're a beautiful girl. But why do you use a filter?

Nikkiey: So it looks more polished, maybe more professional.

Erin: You have a following that I don't have, and you have a beautiful page, and if you want all your things to be streamlined, so you put a filter on so they all look the same, that's something different. But you have to look in the mirror. You can't think that you need a filter. You're stunning.

Nikkiey: Oh no, I show up. I was just interested to see what your response would be. I totally show up all the time, when I have no makeup on or otherwise. I was interested to see what you would say.

Erin: Well, you got me. That's why you have the following that you do. And it's a habit too. You're like, we'll put a little of this on and post. No. Make a conscious effort. What does it even change? Just don't. No filter. Hashtag no filter. People are putting out content thinking about how they want to show up and how they want to appear, but you have to think about who is consuming that content. It's irresponsible to put out a photo that you have severely edited when there are teenage girls looking at it and abusing their bodies to try to attain a physique that you have not even attained. It's not real. It's irresponsible to put that out on social media.

Nikkiey: Love that. Gosh, you with the filter, though. No, all good stuff. I appreciate that. Good insight too. I know it's going to help others think a little differently. I hope this gets far and wide and has people reconsider what they are putting out there and ask themselves before they do: am I being true to myself, and am I being true to the people who are following me and listening to me?

Erin: If you're a mom, you have to think about your daughter. What are you modeling for your daughter? What are you showing her when you put on a filter, that she needs to put on a filter? You wouldn't want that for her. So talk to yourself and think about it for yourself the way you would for your daughter.

Nikkiey: Yeah. Okay. So I want to talk about your transformation. You said that at 38, a couple of years ago, you finally reached the point where you were very happy with your body and your physique. That's a freaking accomplishment, especially now knowing all of the things that you went through and experienced. And you talked a little bit about self-acceptance a couple of minutes ago. So how did your perspective on body image and self-acceptance evolve from where you were to where you are now, and the transformation that you've had with yourself and in your body?

Erin: Well, I will still say, and I don't know if this is the right thing, since I didn't go to treatment, that I feel my best when I am in my best physical body. When I was 20 pounds heavier and living in that frustrated space, because I felt like I was doing everything right, I would be short with my husband. I would pass on opportunities to go out with my friends because I didn't want the calories and I didn't want to gain weight. I was miserable. Now that I've got my body in check, when I feel good in my body, there's not much that gets me down anymore. As long as I feel good in my body, I can handle the other things. Before, it was spilling over into all of my relationships.

I realized that I happened to find my best physical body by taking care of myself and honoring my hunger and fullness cues. Before, when all I wanted was to achieve this physical ideal and I lived my life fully in pursuit of it, I was 20 pounds heavier, frustrated and miserable. So when you accept your body and trust, which I know is super hard, especially if you struggled with eating disorders like I did, trust that your body is going to signal when you're hungry and when you're full, and you just need to be mindful of that.

I spent so many years where I would feel hungry and, as sick as this sounds, it would almost be a win. Oh, I'm hungry, but I'm not going to eat. I'm going to save my calories, and it'll be fewer calories for the day. I lived with all these rules about times. I'm hungry, but it's not time for lunch. I just ate breakfast, so I'm going to wait. Your metabolism shuts off when it doesn't believe that you're going to eat again. When it trusts that you're going to eat when you're hungry and stop when you're satisfied, it starts burning again, and it goes to a set point that you'll be able to maintain because you're in sync with your body.

My body didn't trust me. I'm eating. Am I going to throw it up? Am I going to do a second workout? Am I going to fuel it again after I work out the second time? The last thing it's thinking about is burning fat or burning calories. It's just trying to keep me alive, and it doesn't know what the hell I'm going to do next. But when you honor your body and your hunger and fullness cues, it trusts you and stays at a set point. Like I said, I've maintained it for seven years by enjoying life.

Now I'm not running for PRs. When I was 36, 37, I would run and time it. I'd be like, I almost have an eight-minute mile. For what? Why? I just stopped being so obsessive. Now I go for a walk and it's almost meditative. I try to go without AirPods, though sometimes I'll listen to a podcast, but I'm in tune with my body. I walk because it makes me feel good. I still strength train about four times a week. I eat when I'm hungry and I stop when I'm satisfied, and my body trusts that, because I'm taking care of it. I'm going for walks. I'm eating when I'm hungry, which was new after 20 years of not doing that. I just feel good in my body, and I happened to find my physical ideal by taking care of it.

We touched on how I was hungry but wouldn't eat because I was saving calories. There's another cue, and it's fullness. I think women are missing that cue. You're hungry, so you fix a plate, and you're sitting in front of Netflix and you eat because there's food there. If you take one second to ask, am I eating because there's food on the plate, or am I satisfied? It's such a simple thing, mindful eating or intuitive eating, but it changed everything. I truly, Nikkiey, eat whatever I want now, but I know that I'm going to stop when I'm satisfied.

I have to share my fish tacos story. This paints how I live now versus in my mess. Fish tacos are my favorite thing. I would go to a restaurant and order fish tacos, but no cheese, no sour cream, guacamole on the side, and I would eat bland fish in a tortilla. I would eat all three or four of them because I would rationalize that they were low fat. I would leave feeling completely deprived. I didn't enjoy my meal, but I ate all four. Now I go to a restaurant and I order fish tacos exactly as they're prepared: cheese, avocado, sour cream, all the things. I eat one. I check in. Typically I'm not going to be satisfied, so I'll eat a second one. They give you three or four. I stop at two. I leave feeling completely satisfied and not deprived, because I got fish tacos. It's almost like my brain is satisfied that I got an actual meal that I enjoyed, and I don't need to eat all four. And because I have muscle on my body now, I can take it home and I'll probably eat the other two in a couple of hours.

That mindset of off limits just makes things more enticing. When everything is allowed, there's no reason to binge. Before, I'd say, I'm not drinking during the week, and Saturday is my drinking day. So I'd drink all the wine, because I had to binge, because it's off limits on Monday. You have to take food, or whatever it is, off the pedestal. If it's not off limits, it truly is less enticing. It's a part of my life. I can have a glass of wine and not think, well, I have to finish the bottle because tomorrow's not a drinking day. Everything is allowed and I have what I want, but I'm mindful. I check in.

In the morning, I always eat something sweet with my coffee. When I was in my mess, I would eat a high protein, low carb, no sugar, in quotes, cookie. It would taste like shit, and I would eat the whole box because they were low fat and no sugar. Again, I'd feel completely deprived. Now I'll eat a cookie, and sometimes I don't even need the whole cookie, because my brain is satisfied. That's an actual cookie. I don't need that much, and I don't need to eat them all. Before, if I ate a cookie, it was, oh shit, I ate a cookie, I blew it, I've got to eat all the cookies, because I'll just start over on Monday. There's no starting over. It's living with balance. Everything is allowed, and you won't feel a need to binge because it's something you can have every day. It's not going to be off limits tomorrow, and that makes it less enticing.

I can tell you, I've been able to maintain my weight since I had my daughter, who's seven and a half, by living this way, enjoying my life and taking care of myself: going for a walk, eating when I'm hungry, stopping when I'm satisfied. When all I wanted was this physical ideal, I never got it, living in that stress and restriction and obsession.

Nikkiey: Powerful stuff. Those are some really solid key strategies for women, to pull it back to the question I asked you earlier. Self-awareness in the moment. You're sitting on the couch, relaxing, watching Netflix, and it's, oh man, I could eat all of the things. Just take a second to become aware of your situation and your surroundings and ask yourself: am I hungry? Am I full? Do I really want this? Am I just bored? Am I just Netflix and chilling? That's all really powerful. And the self-acceptance you gave yourself, going from one extreme to the other, is so powerful. So many women struggle with, okay, I'm going to have one cookie, and it turns into 10, and then it's, oh, fuck it, I just fucked up, and they eat whatever the hell they want for the rest of the day.

Erin: Yes. You give yourself permission because you blew it. Or you're at a wedding and you eat a piece of cake, and it's, I might as well eat the whole thing because I blew it. It's not over. It's not blowing it. You just make an adjustment at the next meal. Don't eat cake after every meal. I don't have a cookie after every meal of the day. But if you have a cookie every morning, it's not this enticing thing. There's no need to binge because it's not off limits. It was that mindset change.

I wanted to go back to exercise bulimia, too. When you are working out to undo food, that's an eating disorder. I looked at working out as canceling out for so long. I would literally jot down shredded lettuce, five, apple, 80, and add it all up: 300 calories. Then I would go on the elliptical for 300 calories. I would literally cancel out the same amount. That is true exercise bulimia. But if a woman listening is working out because she had pasta last night, you can't look at exercise that way. You move your body because you feel amazing. You go for a run or a walk because you come back feeling clear, or you lift because you feel strong. If you are working out to undo calories, that is something you need to look at. I think there are so many women who think, I need to go to the gym because I had Mexican last night. You can't look at it that way. Exercise is something you get to do, not something that you have to do.

That was another thing. When I was in my mess, that's how I looked at it. I have to get a workout in now. Now it's, I get to go for a walk, and I'm maintaining my weight this way, because I'm not living in a complete state of obsession and stress and cortisol, which is a hormone that makes you hold onto fat. My whole life was cortisol. I would pull up menus on the way to a restaurant to make sure there was a salad I would eat, or only stay in hotels that had a gym open 24 hours, so if we were on vacation, I could get in a workout. That's where my mind was. When you just calm the F down, and I know it sounds scary not to live your life that way, but I'm telling you, when I lived my life that way, I was 20 pounds heavier. There is something to be said for honoring your hunger cues, calming down, listening to your body, having your body trust you again and not having all that cortisol. Your body will start to work for you again. You have to trust me. I know it doesn't sound right when I say eat whatever you want. But you won't want to binge when anything is allowed, because it's, I don't need to eat all the cookies, I can have a cookie later. And then you don't want it as much. It worked for me.

Nikkiey: Exactly. Spot on. And when that happens and we have the cookies, I just tell people, have some more protein for the rest of the day. It's not over. You can balance it out.

Erin: Yes. It's not over. Think of what you can add, like add a salad. Don't think of what you have to take away.

Nikkiey: Exactly. Don't totally go off the rails because you had a cookie. It's not going to be that impactful.

Erin: You're making it impactful by 10x-ing it. That's impactful. But if you just have one, it doesn't need to turn into a binge, because it's just a cookie. Take it off the pedestal.

Nikkiey: You brought that point back, which I appreciate, because I wanted to talk about the exercise calories. Wow. There are so many people who do that. That perfect example: Mexican the night before, fuck, I screwed up, I need to go burn all this off the next day. It just doesn't do their body good at all. That's not the mindset.

Erin: And it's such a shift from how I lived for so long, literally calculating and canceling. It doesn't work. You can't cancel out. I was 20 pounds heavier when I was canceling out the calories on an elliptical. So it doesn't even work, and you're just stressing and obsessing. That's why I have PTSD about macros, the math. But learning my macros changed everything. I learned I was under-eating and I learned I ate too much sugar. So now I'm cognizant of those two things, but I'm not living by the MyFitnessPal calculation and how many grams and bringing my food everywhere. I know women who live that way and they are miserable.

I live in the middle, squats and margaritas. I'm going to have a cocktail, but I'm also going to work out the next day. I'm not bringing my food everywhere and calculating my macros, but I am still going to move my body. This has worked for me. So if there's a woman who is restricting and living and dying by her macros, it's important, but you can't be obsessive about it, because then that's the cortisol, and your body is just not going to trust you. Once you get to a place where it does trust you again, you can maintain and still be happy.

Nikkiey: Right. I love that you brought that up, because I wanted you to speak on that. For me, macros are so important, no doubt, 110%. So important to understand. But I look at them not as a diet, but as a skill set that will serve you for the rest of your life.

Erin: Yes.

Nikkiey: That is my motto. It's so important to know the portion sizes you're putting on your plate, and it's so important for specific aesthetic goals and for paying attention to consistency, usually during a fat loss goal. But when you're in maintenance or you're just thriving, it's not that important. I always say it's not something you should be tracking for the rest of your life. I don't expect you to pull out your scale in the middle of dinner out with friends and start weighing your food. But should you pay attention to the portion sizes on the table? Absolutely.

Erin: Nikkiey, I know people who do that. They live and die by their macros. They put it in the app. And if we have cocktails out on a girls' night, they're not going to drink because they have their workout in the morning. I don't want to live that way. I want to be fit, but not at the cost of living my life. And I happened to find my physical ideal body living this way, in a squats and margaritas lifestyle, enjoying it. When I was living the other way and just trying so hard, it didn't happen. There's something to be said for just listening to your body and taking care of it. When you don't, you're missing out on opportunities with friends because you have to get to the gym in the morning, and you're going to totally stress out if you skip a workout. I did that from 16 to 36, and I was miserable and I weighed more. If there is a woman feeling that same way, please trust this process. And it is a process. It may not happen overnight. It took me a minute to trust eating more. You can get there gradually, but when you get to that point, you can maintain and still enjoy your life.

Nikkiey: A hundred percent. I think it's important to focus on those things with macros and doing the workouts you're prescribed for the week. But I only say four workouts, max. Three other days are rest days.

Erin: And look at your body. Nikkiey works out four days a week. I thought I had to work out every day, sometimes twice a day, because I was so disciplined. Look at you. We need to spread the message. It's not scarcity and restriction and overexercise that gets you your ideal body. You have to exercise, but it's not what you think. It's a healthy balance.

Nikkiey: A healthy balance. Amen. So I want you to talk about this foundation. What's your purpose? What's your why? What are you going after right now?

Erin: When I got my podcast, I started talking to women I never would have been able to connect with otherwise: Katie Couric, Kenya Moore, Teddi Mellencamp, Melissa Joan Hart, all these big names. Each of them was so vulnerable on my show, sharing their story. And I'm thinking, what do I have here? This network of strong women who are popular in the media, who everybody knows, but they've been through the same things. So I came up with a nonprofit that provides mentorship from these women who have been through these things for teen girls, 12 to 20, who are struggling with body image or self-worth.

I want to put on retreats all over the country where women will come and share their stories. Not that there's anything wrong with therapy, I'm in therapy, but the girls aren't going to therapy. They're going to a retreat and hearing other women's stories and what other women went through at that same time in their lives. It also provides one-on-one mentorship. If someone contacts my foundation and is struggling with bulimia, she will be paired with a mentor who has been through that exact thing. A trusted person. Not, say, a male therapist going, tell me about your anorexia, and you're thinking, you don't get it. This person has been through it. When I was in my mess, I did not want to talk to my mom. I was hella defensive when she would try to get me to eat. But I would have talked to someone who said, yeah, I was anorexic as well. You feel like it's a trusted person.

And I don't want it to just be body image. Anything that's making a teen girl feel isolated: her sexual identity, or if she's a child of divorce. There is a woman who's part of the Blue Butterfly Foundation who has been through that same thing and who will show you the way out of it. It's not to be used in place of therapy. Maybe once you start talking to somebody, you're ready to go get treatment. But you're talking to someone who has been through that thing.

I called it Blue Butterfly because a blue butterfly legit stalked me for two weeks. It would come to my doorstep every single day, and it got to the point where it was creeping me out. I was like, what in the world? I would put it on Instagram, like, it's back. And people said, there's no way it's back again. So I was timestamping it. People said, butterflies don't live that long. And I'm like, well, this one does, because it's back again. When my kids would go outside, they'd say, mommy, your butterfly. I always knew where to look, and it would not fly away. Every day on my doorstep. And I'm like, God, universe, I see it. What the hell am I supposed to do with it? Then one day I was on a call with my business coach, and she said, that nonprofit for the teen girls, we've got to get it up and running. What do we call it? And in the moment, I said, Blue Butterfly. Nikkiey, I never saw it again. It left. The universe works in some serious ways.

That's what I say now: put yourself out into the world authentically and organically and watch for the guidance. The guidance is there telling you exactly what to do with your life, but you're looking at your phone.

Nikkiey: How long was that butterfly out there?

Erin: I've been on this new spiritual journey where I ask for guidance and I get it. If I'm not clear on something, something will happen. I see blue butterflies all the time now. Over Easter, my sister rented these cabins in Nashville. I want to say there were eight bedrooms in this cabin. I open up the first bedroom, and there are blue butterflies all over the wall. And I was like, oh, this works now. It doesn't even freak me out anymore. I'll see a blue butterfly as a stamp, or once at TSA, where you put your shoes and your luggage through, I pulled up the next bin and it had a blue butterfly sticker in it. It's unbelievable. But it's showing me that I'm on the right path. I got the message, and then I never saw that butterfly again.

So if you're feeling unfulfilled and you feel like there's more, you don't need to know what it is yet. Put yourself out into the world as you are. Watch for the guidance, and it's right there. Once you find that thing, the reason you are on this planet, and you live your life in alignment, you will be lit up every single day. I found it at 41. It is not too late.

Nikkiey: Bless. That is such a powerful story. And is that the tattoo on your wrist?

Erin: That is. Yes. I don't know if you can see it.

Nikkiey: I saw that. I was like, well, that is a blue butterfly.

Erin: Yeah. The Blue Butterfly Foundation is established. If anyone listening is struggling and wants to talk to someone, or anyone who has been through these things wants to find meaning in their mess and be a mentor for a girl who's going through it now, it's thebluebutterflies.org, and I have an Instagram at The Blue Butterflies.

Nikkiey: Beautiful. You guys can find those in the description below this podcast, along with all of the other handles. Go check it out if you need that help. Two more questions before we wrap. If you could go back in time and give your younger self a piece of advice in the midst of everything you were going through, what would that be?

Erin: Get off the scale. For so many years, my worth was determined by a number on a scale. If it was up, I was having a shitty day. If it was down, I was all smiles. I weighed the same, but I would look at that number and determine my value and my worth. It's not about a number on a scale. It's about how you feel in your body. Don't look at the scale. Throw away your scale. You know how you feel in your body. I could feel good, then get on the scale and think, well, shit, I gained two pounds, and then I had a bad day. Get off the scale. You are so much more than a number. It's not about a number on a scale. For so many years, my value was determined by how much I weighed.

Nikkiey: That is powerful. Your mood is affected up or down by that scale. Good day or bad day, whatever that number said.

Erin: I weighed the same, but I had to look, and then, oh, bad day. It was good until I saw that number. Get off the scale.

Nikkiey: Or if you dropped, you were so excited.

Erin: Down two, down an ounce. If it went down at all. But if I had gained, with the way I was living, I'm like, this is bullshit. Shitty day. Get off the scale. Don't even look at it.

Nikkiey: Okay. To wrap it up, is there a message or final words of encouragement you'd like to share with listeners who may be facing their own personal challenges, like the ones you went through?

Erin: This is not the end for you. If you're in the mess, you can get out of it. Maybe you were supposed to hear this today because it's time for you to go get help. There is no shame in seeking help for something that is so much bigger than you. Eating disorders are a mental illness. If you had any other kind of illness, you'd take a pill or go get help for it. It's the same thing. It's bigger than you. You don't have to try to stop on your own. You shouldn't be carrying shame, because I can tell you, there are so many other women dealing with the same thing.

And if you're not dealing with an eating disorder, but like I said, you're just feeling unfulfilled, like there's more, you don't need to know what it is yet. You just need to start putting yourself out into the world. Share something you've been through. Teach someone else something. You will grow a community of people that you're supporting, and that is where you find your life's purpose.

Nikkiey: Amen. Erin, what a powerful podcast. Thank you so much for being here and sharing all of this with this community. You guys have to go check out Erin. Where can they find you, your personal pages and so on?

Erin: I show up the most on Instagram. It's I Am Erin Washington. My podcast, Squats and Margaritas, also has its own page, Squats and Margaritas on Instagram. And my new book, From Pain to Purpose: Finding Meaning in the Mess, is available on Amazon. If you buy it on Amazon, you can go to squatsandmargaritas.com and download the free audiobook, and I'll read it to you.

Nikkiey: Amazing. We'll get to hear your voice the whole time. Let's go.

Erin: If you don't have a lot of time, I'll read it to you.

Nikkiey: Thank you for being here on the show today. Appreciate you.

Erin: Thank you so much for having me.

Nikkiey: Hey guys, real quick. If you're interested in taking your body to the next level, losing body fat, building more muscle and feeling more confident, do it alongside one of our 30-plus professional coaches. Work one-on-one with her to eliminate all of the guesswork you may have, and all you need to do is the work she tells you to do to get to those goals of yours. To learn more, click the link below this podcast and apply to our VIP program right now.